It is in the nature of our order to question everything. Established in 1852, it is in the nature of the Grand Lock Advisory Council to answer everything. You’ve got questions, we have the authority to invent answers.

“My boss is not a member of the Order, which makes it nearly impossible to attend Lock events like the Great Alphabetizing or Horse Day when they fall during my 9 to 5. What do I do?
Absent in [REDACTED]”

That’s an age-old question with multiple answers, Absent. There are a few paths you may follow.

Do you work for a prominent company that the Order would benefit from controlling? Why not invite your boss to join us? You’ll be working towards the greater good, he’ll be forced to give you the time off, and best of all: you’ll outrank him as a Grand Lock! Won’t that Fresca taste all the sweeter when it’s been fetched by your direct supervisor?

Maybe you don’t want to spend any additional time with your boss when you’re not working. (We here at the Advisory Council do not have that luxury since we work at the Grand Lock Headquarters, but the idea sounds nice.) In that case:

Threaten your boss’s life. Not directly, of course, but put in a request with the Preemptive Consequence Committee (Corporate) and in 2-5 months, if approved, your boss will receive a shake down to remember. He won’t know why, but when you request a day off, he’ll know the answer! (Also could help with quarterly evaluations!)

Or you could quit your job. It’ll probably create just as many problems as it will solve, but you weren’t specific about how we solve this.

“With the media growing more and more fractured each year, how can I be certain that my news is coming from a Lock-filtered source?
Newshound in [REDACTED]”

Obviously the simplest ways are the clearest, Newshound. You’re obviously aware of the official newsletter, since you happen to be reading it right this instant. A quick check of your permanent record shows that you are in good standing and are regularly attending the meetings. The weekly news briefs there will ensure that you are always hearing all of the latest news that you’ve been approved to know at your rank.

Beyond that, we recognize that with the short media cycles of the current age it can be hard to tell which is actual news and which is news planted by the Order of the Grand Lock to distract the masses. You want to know what the real election results are, how the secret war is going, and if Brad and Angelina are actually splitting up or if they’re being forced to split by the Order in order to distract from the secret war. We get it.

The Grand Lock has flirted with the idea of a members-only news channel, or site, or app, or headbeam (a fascinating piece of technology that will be declassified soon for all ranks), but ultimately these were all deemed insecure methods. Until technology catches up to our security needs, we will need to continue to rely on the traditional methods like Lock-to-Lock news distribution, incredibly secure email newsletters such as this one, and controlling the media as a whole.

“Our Temple nearly came to blows during the setup for our most recent Order Dinner and Mandatory Dancing Night, so we turn to the Advice Council to settle it. When setting a table, should napkins be placed above the plate or atop them?
Unfolded in [REDACTED]”

At first blush, it was of the Council’s opinion that such a question was outside our jurisdiction and better suited to a filler column of a dying print newspaper. However, as we initiated the punishment proceedings for your time-wasting letter, a Grand Lock Librarian informed us that there was indeed a precedent for such matters within the order.

“In the early 1800s, a Grand Lock temple just outside Hampstead Heath in England published On the Proper Placement and Distribution of Napkins at Grand Lock Functions. Though authorship is ascribed to the entirety of Temple 24 of H.H., it is generally accepted that the booklet was written by future Shadow Vice President Hamish Wilkins while studying abroad in Europe.

“Within the book,” the librarian continued, long after we’d hoped he’d finished, “the answer is clear. Napkins are to be placed upon the plate. The area just above one’s plate is left empty for the guest to set their Grand Lock amulet while eating (now out of fashion).”

And there you have it. Thank you for your letter, Unfolded. We apologize that once punishment is initiated, even we are unable to stop it.

Have a question for the Advisory Council? Make sure it’s a worthy one! Just email advice@thegrandlock.com, then signal twice at dawn with your lapel pin or amulet.

 

From Volume 871 Issue 10 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!