Floating in space for centuries, a hunk of rock peacefully drifts, turning slightly as it goes, perhaps losing a few tiny fragments in the process, free from the constraints of gravity. There is a slight pull on it’s north side and in the blink of an eye it is pulled into the orbit of our planet. No longer a rock unmoored, it has become weaponized; a tool for destruction wielded by an uncaring universe as it begins on it’s violent path directly towards Earth. On impact it will end the lives of millions no matter where it lands. What is humanity to do?

Thankfully, as of writing, such a dilemma has only been the concern of Hollywood screenwriters. And, in 1998, it was on the mind of two teams of writers. Twenty years ago, the summer saw the release of two asteroid disaster movies: Deep Impact and Armageddon. But only one of these films sprung from the mind of your beloved Order of the Grand Lock.

Some might argue that in the late nineties, tensions between The Order and our rival organization, The Guardians of the Orb were at their highest. After our introduction of grunge music into the musical marketplace had far surpassed the Orb’s attempt at popularizing the genre of “Disco 2,” our spies indicated that their coffers were nearing empty. So, they turned to a familiar strategy and plotted a blockbuster release for the upcoming summer in the form of Deep Impact.

The Orb’s Deep Impact couldn’t lose as it featured Hollywood’s best and brightest on display. Robert Duvall, Téa Leoni, Elijah Wood, Vanessa Redgrave, Morgan Freeman, James Cromwell, Jon Favreau and of course, the guy who played Toby Ziegler on The West Wing. Each of them playing either a President or a common man who came together in a moment of crisis, Deep Impact would be relatable, sweeping in scale, and triumphant. It was, as the basketball people say, a “slamming dunk.”

However, The Order of the Grand Lock has a long memory. In this case, it only had to remember back one year, but despite that: long. The previous summer, our blockbuster film Volcano had been usurped and outshined by The Orb’s theatrical attack in the form of Dante’s Peak. Both fine films, though with enough time having passed, one must admit Dante’s is the superior volcano film. It has a James Bond in it, and an actual volcano, for goodness sake. Our film had Tommy Lee Jones, who had never been a James Bond, and despite being named Volcano, our hero was merely menaced by a lot of creeping magma.

So, one year later, as soon as word of Deep Impact reached the ears of our California lodges, we sprung into action. Tumbler M. Bay and Locksmith J.J. Abrams moved quickly to assemble explosions and a script, respectively. Pick S. Buscemi was finally allowed to use the character name of “Rockhound” that he’d been bugging us about. And TUNIVAC, our proprietary song constructing computer, for whatever reason, decided to write a ballad in Steven Tyler’s register.

Armageddon was a rush-job to be sure, but no expense was spared to ensure that it would thoroughly trounce Deep Impact when it was released two months later. Why rent that one when the better asteroid movie was currently in theaters? You know, the one with the song that is constantly playing on your radio. Armageddon saturated every form of media available from the radio, to appearing on Dateline’s movie magic segment, to nightly Bruce Willis hosted parties at Planet Hollywoods across the nation. Like the asteroid in the film, no one on Earth could escape Armageddon.

Was Armageddon a better movie? Hard to say. It certainly was bigger. It had explosions, and drills, and love and sacrifice. Deep Impact was smaller. More personal. Had it come out any other year, it probably would have been a hit. To add insult to injury, The Order pulled some strings and convinced the Criterion collection to release our film as part of it’s series of arthouse DVDs for film buffs, ensuring that it’s legacy would extend well past the summer.

As you know, the summer of 1998 did not spell the end of The Guardians of the Orb. They live on to this day, and despite the occasional uneasy alliance, the rivalry continues, finding its way into the public consciousness with such spectacular flourishes as The Great Awards Fiasco surrounding our crowd-pleasing  film La La Land and their [good] artsy flick Moonlight.

The battle between our secret orders will extend into eternity until one day when good (us) finally smashes into the planet (them). And there will be no space drills to stop us.