Last Week’s “Bird Night” Was a Fiasco
by Barron B. Hoffbeck (no. 12513)

Our illustrious order has a long-standing custom of bird ownership. Most Locks and Keys know too well the quiet pleasures of a molted feather, a friendly ‘chirp’ good-morning. Our avian friends bring a blessed feathery drip of mother gaia’s milk into our parlours and sitting rooms. That said, last week’s “Bird Night” at Lodge 129 was a fiasco and can stand to teach us a valuable lesson.

The evening started well enough. Tumbler D. Abernath’s lorikeet delighted our 14 strong with an inspired bit of mimicry. I saw some misty eyes around the hall as we witnessed the lorrie’s triumphant ejaculation of “To every lock a key! To every lock a key!”

Sadly, the night took a dark turn when Locksmith S. Markett’s macaw, “Bernie” took wing and evacuated its bowels into Locksmith P. Hagerty’s peach tart. Locksmith Markett had received stern talking-to’s before about Bernie’s ill temperament but failed to take heed (and failed to take advantage of the avian diapers that the lodge so thoughtfully provides!).

In the excitement of the tainted tart, Locksmith L. Pfenderson’s lovebirds “flew the coop” so to speak–briefly becoming tangled in Barron K. Warderly’s bouffant before firmly embedding themselves in the lodge rafters where I’m afraid they remain nearly a week later. Tumbler Abernath’s teenage sons, Dylan and Don Jr. have kindly volunteered their time to popping by the lodge after school to leave suet cakes so that the unfortunate beasts don’t go hungry (this despite the imminent threat of attracting winter vermin).

The Order of the Grand Lock’s “Bring Your Bird” night is a fine and noble tradition but we must shoulder the responsibility of proper bird discipline. We need look only to recent history for inspiration. In our humble lodge’s recent dealings with the shrimp boat fleets in El Salvador, we saw our profits waning dramatically. The fisherfolk made excuse after excuse–a temperate “El Niño” winter, a bit of poor luck with tropical storm season. It was not  kindness and tolerance that tempered these profits back to an acceptable metric–it was the crack of the policía secreta’s whip. We must not tolerate excuses and unruliness be it in business or birding. And that as they say–is how the tart crumbles!

Toodle-oo for now!

From Volume 871 Issue 9 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!