By XXXXXXXXXXX (Name Redacted) The Guardians of the Orb–who are they? Sure, they’re our rivals–a fraternal lodge nearly as old as the Order of the Grand Lock. They kidnapped our leader. They beat our butts seemingly every year at the inter-lodge beach volleyball tournament. Some rumors suggest that they’re in fact a “crime organization” responsible for “most of […]
Aloha, If you’ve watched any of the Grand Lock-operated news outlets that you already know that this is the email you’ve been waiting for. You’ve read the excerpts, you’ve heard the hype: now at last you get to read the full, terrifying story of one reporter who has infiltrated the villainous Guardians of the Orb. […]
From Volume 873 Issue 10 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!
Aloha, Locks: in fewer than ten days, The Order designated Day for Demonstration of Affection (February 14th) will arrive. In an effort to make it easier for you to display your affection visually, we have created four “love cards,” or “Valentines” as they are commonly known, to distribute to those that you feel Love for. […]
By Key F. Huber, Secretary of Transportation Every babe in swaddling rags knows the tale, by way of Ancient Greece, of Bellerophon, who having slain the chimera, grew overly proud and attempted to fly to Olympus on his pegasus only to have his steed stung by the gods’ gadfly. Thus, Bellerophon dropped back to the […]
Salaam, As a whole within The Order, we believe safety is paramount. Whether you’re mounting up for Horse Day, waiting outside in the sun all day for The Great Alphabetizing, or skipping instead of walking all day for a Grand sponsored charity skip-a-thon, we want you to be safe. In this spirit, the head of […]
An Announcement Concerning The Feast of the Great Bird’s Reemergence (for All Locks) By High Key (No.00103) Last last year, when The Order of the Grand Lock acquired the Canadian secret society, The Venerable Brotherhood of the All-Seeing Loon, into our ranks, we wanted to ensure that the transition of our Canadian members would be a smooth […]
Zdravstvuyte, We hope you had a lovely Actual New Years last weekend and that your hangovers have mostly subsided. Let no one say that we Locks don’t know how to celebrate with the best of ’em. And the recently annexed Loons are no slouches either! I have no doubt that 2019 is going to be […]
The Puzzle Vexes (Series 19 Premiere) This is truly my favorite time of year for television! January! When the Grand Lock-subsidized public channel (the only television worth watching, in my book) premiere their new mystery programs! Generally, I’m not one for fictional television shows; I much prefer the enriching variety. As I’ve stated in each installment of […]
Locks! It’s the very last Locksmith Newsletter before the clock strikes 12 on January 13th, Actual New Years. As always, take this time to consider what you’ve learned, the goals for which you’ve yearned, and those around you who deserve to be spurned in the coming year. To fill the meaningless days of this year and […]
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