By Key F. Huber, Secretary of Transportation Every babe in swaddling rags knows the tale, by way of Ancient Greece, of Bellerophon, who having slain the chimera, grew overly proud and attempted to fly to Olympus on his pegasus only to have his steed stung by the gods’ gadfly. Thus, Bellerophon dropped back to the […]
Salaam, As a whole within The Order, we believe safety is paramount. Whether you’re mounting up for Horse Day, waiting outside in the sun all day for The Great Alphabetizing, or skipping instead of walking all day for a Grand sponsored charity skip-a-thon, we want you to be safe. In this spirit, the head of […]
An Announcement Concerning The Feast of the Great Bird’s Reemergence (for All Locks) By High Key (No.00103) Last last year, when The Order of the Grand Lock acquired the Canadian secret society, The Venerable Brotherhood of the All-Seeing Loon, into our ranks, we wanted to ensure that the transition of our Canadian members would be a smooth […]
By Lock Dr. H. Monneghan It goes without saying that the Order of the Grand Lock is the most successful and far-reaching organization in the history of the modern world. The policies and procedures set down by our order have shaped the very DNA of western civilization–its culture, its economies, and now–its free will. That’s […]
Zdravstvuyte, We hope you had a lovely Actual New Years last weekend and that your hangovers have mostly subsided. Let no one say that we Locks don’t know how to celebrate with the best of ’em. And the recently annexed Loons are no slouches either! I have no doubt that 2019 is going to be […]
The Puzzle Vexes (Series 19 Premiere) This is truly my favorite time of year for television! January! When the Grand Lock-subsidized public channel (the only television worth watching, in my book) premiere their new mystery programs! Generally, I’m not one for fictional television shows; I much prefer the enriching variety. As I’ve stated in each installment of […]
Locks! It’s the very last Locksmith Newsletter before the clock strikes 12 on January 13th, Actual New Years. As always, take this time to consider what you’ve learned, the goals for which you’ve yearned, and those around you who deserve to be spurned in the coming year. To fill the meaningless days of this year and […]
By Tumbler B. Chesney [LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] Immortality is at hand! King death mourns as every passing year […]
Hello, I know that I don’t need to tell you this, but as a reminder: if you celebrated the coming of the new year last night, you were wrong to do so. If you slipped up and did celebrate, please drink one coffee/caffeine based beverage for every alcoholic beverage that you enjoyed. Take solace in […]
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