By Tumbler B. Chesney

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.]

Immortality is at hand! King death mourns as every passing year brings another victory lap of we the Grand Lock over His icy grip. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but now I am a very old man and all of my childhood friends are dead. Oh death–we defy thee! Where is thy sting?

Of course, the quest for immortality is not without its setbacks; sadly, I must report that I write this column from a hospital bed in Thomas Jefferson University Hospital with a severe case of argyrosis. I’m purple. My skin, hair, and eye whites are a deep gray/grape color and extremely itchy. Although this particular experiment did not prove fruitful, I undoubtedly have opened a closed door and invite my readers to continue on in my stead and share their findings.

This exploration began last month with a leisurely late night screening of a childhood favorite film “Piccadilly” on a cable television channel. Thanks to my new Russian polyphasic sleep schedule, the night hours–once wasted on slumber’s vile imprisonment–are now my own (though perhaps this is a topic for another day). Piccadilly still held its charm. How incredible, I mused, that preserved there before me stood the titans of my youth–the sweat dappled moustache of Jameson Thomas, the alluring oriental dance of Anna May Wong. What deviltry could send me back to the salad days of boyhood? Quite literally, the answer…is film.

This set me to thinking–film possesses valuable qualities both in the esoteric and the nutritional spheres. It is the archivist’s plaything–freezing the light for posterity. What data gets encoded in its emulsion that hides itself from sight? Which fragments of history are permanently preserved beyond the the projector’s bulb? Furthermore, the gelatin could be a valuable source of calories while the silver bromides present provide a natural antioxidant. As the night wore on, my task became clear–I needed to eat a roll of film as quickly as possible.

After a bus ride to a specialty photography store, I found myself equipped with a case of Kodak Color Plus 200 35mm film and a powerful hunger for lunch. Eating the film raw proved unpleasant but after boiling the film like spaghetti for 2+ hours, the gelatin began to degrade into a gelatinous chemical mass. This mixed just fine with my daily kale and rock dust smoothie. I repeated this process twice a day for 6 weeks; I even got in the habit of swallowing a few Roosevelt dimes to further enhance my silver intake.

Suffice to say, the results were not as I expected and the doctors believe this new pigmentation (caused by a near overdose of silver) may be permanent. Though I may be purple and though my eyes and skin may itch constantly, I feel fantastic and would highly encourage my readers to follow my footsteps. One anecdote is hardly evidence enough to scrap a movement.

Let us greet the new year together, Grand Locks! We may dye but we shall not die! Be well and let us ever march onward to immortality!

From Volume 873 Issue 4 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!