By Tumbler B. Chesney [LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] Immortality is at hand! King death mourns as every passing year […]
Hello, I know that I don’t need to tell you this, but as a reminder: if you celebrated the coming of the new year last night, you were wrong to do so. If you slipped up and did celebrate, please drink one coffee/caffeine based beverage for every alcoholic beverage that you enjoyed. Take solace in […]
From Volume 873 Issue 3 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!
By Barron B. Hoffbeck (no. 12513) Every member of the Grand Lock is familiar with the expression, “to every lock a key.” We, members of our ancient order often take this to mean that every problem has a fitting solution; conversely, this can also be interpreted that some keys should not be inserted willy-nilly into […]
Hello Locks, When next we speak, the holiday season will be firmly upon us, so let me take this opportunity to say: Happy Whatever You Celebrate, and if you need to buy presents, you should probably get that done in the immediate future. In this time of Good Will and So Forth, let us remember […]
Like ceremonial robe fashions, the latest trends within The Order of the Grand Lock are constantly shifting. To keep you abreast of what’s in and what’s out in the world of bird ownership, welcome Celebrity Ornithologist (Domesticated), Tumbler L. Brecknock! ‘Allo, ‘allo, my dear Locks! Whether you’re a first time bird employer (we never […]
Fellow Locks: As we grow closer and closer to Actual New Years in mid-January, a lot of you may be looking to make a Resolution of some kind. Some of you may wish to turn over a new leaf or try something new. If bird ownership is in the cards for you, then we suggest […]
In November 2017, the Order of the Grand Lock made history by electing, for the first time ever–a dog to fulfill the sacred duties of Grand Lock leadership. It has been exactly one year since Spangles took office; Grand Lock dignitaries and members of the press gathered Sunday night at the Secret Castle beneath the […]
Hail fellow well met, With this issue of The Locksmith Newsletter we reach the 53rd and final edition of Volume 872. Even though Volume 873 looms very near and will be here one week from today, it is a good day for reflection. Our Leadership, Spangles, agrees with this sentiment and has spoken out to look back […]
There are decisions that are made because of logic, and there are decisions that are made for aesthetics. In 1876, The Order of the Grand Lock made a decision in England that was purely aesthetic, and though we rarely acknowledge our mistakes, we feel that just enough time has passed: we blew it. Before 1876, there […]
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