In November 2017, the Order of the Grand Lock made history by electing, for the first time ever–a dog to fulfill the sacred duties of Grand Lock leadership. It has been exactly one year since Spangles took office; Grand Lock dignitaries and members of the press gathered Sunday night at the Secret Castle beneath the skating rink in Van Nuys for a commemorative presentation. The order was treated to a rare speech from Leader/Dog Spangles, his speaker–”Old Leadership” (who now asks to be called, simply, “Mark”), and the “Speaker for the Speaker”, 23 year old community college student Barron H. Lindsay. You may remember that the latter was brought into the team to help decipher the often cryptic musings of the eccentric former leader, who in turn, speaks for our Leader Dog.

Below is a transcript of the speech. For ease of reading, “Mark’s” dialogue  is printed in red while Lindsey’s is in blue.

The three branches of Leadership rise from the ground on a hidden elevator platform–each clad in traditional black robes. Spangles laboriously lifts his head from a felted pillow and licks his lips for a good while. He punctuates this with three quick snorts in rapid succession before slowly placing his head back on the pillow. Mark peers down at Spangles for some time before nodding knowingly and stepping forward to the podium microphone.

“A third decanate dawns. Amorous Venus yearns and yawns in her drunken ellipses–of remembrances rueful indeed. As the tick swells, the doe’s nectar recedes. Pangaia yawns. Rust is not a hunter unbeknownest to its prey. But still the redded blade speaks of March’ waters! Lo, the gluttonous river swallows the rains!

Do not try and bend the spoon–that’s impossible. Think outside the bun. Modakapatra beckons but resist. Resist! Resist Ganesha’s toothsome bowl. Its circle spells completion but also a noose to ensnare. Its signs are clear–night bugs skimmed from the pool’s filter. Expect more! Pay less!”

“Okay…uh hi again. I’m Heather.  So…Spangles has been really sick for the last few days because Mark left a big bag of halloween sized “Sugar Daddy” candy bars on the coffee table and Spangles ate the entire thing–even the wrappers. It was a really awful scene to walk into. So we took him to the vet obviously and it seemed like he puked most of it up but he’s just been really low energy and puking a lot. He’s on anti-nausea meds but his tummy is still really tender and stuff…

BUT UM…that’s not like a metaphor for like the state of the union or anything. LIKE…what I think Mark..uh…I mean Spangles meant is that…you know, “everyone has challenges” but you should grow and get stronger from them? For instance–keep making good financial choices with the world economies and avoid conflict and violence if you can. I think it was really neat that we bought out that ‘Loon’ lodge. Do more stuff…stuff like that.”

Barron H. Lindsay is interrupted by Spangles suddenly sitting up, producing several guttural heaves and then vomiting up a blob of foamy mucus. There is audible discomfort from the audience.

“Oh God…are there some paper towels…somewhere?”

“The reverse tower portends not ruin but transformation! Eat the poison, boil the imperfections from within and expunge them! Personal, private conflict hones the edge. Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the Matrix. Struggle! Buy the cat! Bring the cat into your home! Be punished by the cat. And struggle again!

There’s no escaping reason, no denying purpose, for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. The best is what we’re all about. The best is fresh!”

Spangles licks at the mess on the floor. Barron H. Lindsay attempts to restrain him.

“Spangles! No! [Distractedly] So um…Mark has been talking a lot about adding a cat into the mix at the office but…no! Spangles please…don’t. Um yeah as you can see…there’s just already a lot going on already. 

So yeah I don’t…um. 

So it’s been a really great year. Obviously, Spangles is a wonderful leader. He’s doing the best he c–he’s doing a great job. He’s great.

To really drill down to the point of What Mark and Spangles are saying–the Order it…it has to take on unpleasant things sometimes but it’s good. There might be discomfort but overall–really good. Like the “Loons”–we took them in and you have to kind of–get rid of some of the bad parts but you make it good, you know? So let’s keep going and maybe…let’s take over some other lodges. We think we should definitely conquer or whatever–another lodge this year. Definitely.

I think we’re good here.”

End of speech.

From Volume 872 Issue 53 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!