by Pick W. Hargreave (No. 48324)

The year is 1939. The United States is suffering in the midst of a Great Depression like no other, and the American branches of The Order of the Grand Lock were not unaffected, nor were they not not impacted. Meeting minutes from the time period reflect some grumbling from members that the crudité tables were far less abundant, often only featuring two types of cheeses to spread. Previously, Grand Lock members had enjoyed free washing and pressing of their ceremonial robes. Suddenly they found that they had to pay if they wanted extra starch in the process. Houses were no longer being built for members upon reaching the rank of Barron. The Order was not immune from the tightening purse strings of the 1930s.

From the Reno, Nevada Temple came Pick M. Galloway, a man who loved his Gruyère, (which at the time was a bit more of a niche cheese, so if you had to cut down what you were putting on your platter, it’d be among the first to go). Galloway was determined to lift The Order out of financial straits, even if that meant raising the rest of America up with it. According to my review of the Reno minutes of the era, Galloway proposed a variety of methods of increasing revenue for the Order, including selling milk door-to-door at prices cheaper than milkmen, selling books of new American last names for Ellis Island immigrants, and an ahead-of-its-time type of music called “rap talking.” Ultimately none of these ideas captured the Order’s interest.

The idea that eventually gained traction with Lock leadership was proposed by Galloway on February 3, 1939 during the new business section of that year’s Great Alphabetizing Ceremony. What if we invested in a film? The plan perfectly utilized several components of The Order’s vast network: the intellectual property of the recently deceased Tumbler L.F. Baum, the acting and singing of one of our youngest members, Locksmith J. Garland, and the songwriting talents of TUNIVAC. At this point, TUNIVAC, the songwriting computer, took up an entire wing located solely in the New York City Lock Headquarters, but had already been responsible for “Clang Clang Clang Went the Trolley,” and would go on to write countless songs that were similarly devoid of emotion but mathematically engineered for popularity. TUNIVAC is probably known best today for achieving sentience and continuing to ply its trade under the name Pitbull.

The Order of the Grand Lock was taking on the large-scale project that was the film The Wizard of Oz. If you were not already aware that this movie was produced as a money-making scheme by the Order, no doubt a number of connections are now falling into place for you. The film is rife with references to our Order: the yellow brick road is a reference to the vibrant front hallway within each Grand Lock Temple, the phrase “a horse of a different color” serves as a clear allusion to our own Horse Day, the name Glinda I don’t even need to tell you, and, of course, there’s the subtle reference to the Order’s invention of color (citation needed).

Things fell into place rather quickly in terms of production, with only a few minor hiccups along the way. There was, of course, Buddy Ebsen being recast as the Tin Man after it was discovered that he was a Guardian of the Orb. (A story about him being allergic to the aluminum powder in the makeup was reported in the press after the preemptive consequence administering had failed.) Midway through production, there was an incident with the set for Dorothy’s floating house when it’s suspension faltered and dropped on Mel “Crazy Socks” Sewell. (Making lemons out of lemonade, this was worked into the plot.) And of course, there was the week that TUNIVAC experienced technical difficulties and would only produce lyrics that consisted of the words “WHY POINTLESS LOVE” repeated over and over again.

Sadly, the film’s initial run did not turn a profit and only made its money back with its various rereleases into theaters much further down the line. This, however, was not soon enough for Pick M. Galloway and the other Grand Locks who were hoping to quickly turn around the Order’s financial failings. The Order of the Grand Lock was forced to move forward with other money making schemes, ultimately leading to their orchestration of World War II.

Obviously this was not the most efficient income-generating scheme, it did prove quite successful for the Order. As the memorial plaque in the D.C. Grand Temple reads, “Though the sacrifice was great for the many, there would now continue to be Gruyère for the few.”

From Volume 871 Issue 12 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!