The heart wants what it wants. And you have fallen in love with someone who for whatever reason is ineligible from joining the ranks of The Order of the Grand Lock. It happens. And as of 1988, we aren’t going to stand in your way. (NOTE: If your partner is a Guardian of the Orb, we will stand in your way.) Here are some tips to maintain your enrollment without need of an annulment.
- The F. Flintstone Maneuver – Immortalized within the Grand Lock-produced Tumbler F. Flintstone and Family (or The Flintstones in some markets), one can run between a fancy dinner date and an Order of the Grand Lock meeting (“Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes” in the censored version). There’s a reason why most Grand Lock Halls are built adjacent to fancy, but not too fancy, restaurant.
- Holograms – What if you were to able to attend Grand Lock functions without ever leaving your house? With a hologram projection of yourself, that’s exactly the world you could be living in. Currently this technology is only available to those in the highest ranks of The Order, but soon, every member will be able to digitally project themselves into their home for the benefit of their significant other. You can even pre-program in three phrases into the speaker system. We’d recommend reserving at least one of those audio slots for a recording that explains why you suddenly have a translucent, blue look going for yourself.
- Fake Book Club Kit – The Order of the Grand Lock offers a nominally-priced kit that provides you with everything you need to fake your own book club. The February model includes one (1) copy of Eat, Pray, Love, one (1) bottle of the second cheapest local wine, one (1) bookmark calendar indicating exactly where it should be placed to mark reading progress (on top of the book for the first two weeks, then rapidly closer to the end the night before), and several (many) emails containing “inside jokes” and memes “related” to your book club crew.
- Truth – Under some circumstances, when approved by your Lodge’s Key, you may be able to tell your partner a limited bit of information about our Order. This includes the name of the Order, our brand identity (to ensure he/she/they will not open any letters with the corresponding wax seal), why they are barred from entry, and the name of one celebrity within our ranks. Generally the fact that you are in an organization with a popular musician or whatever is enough to distract them from their personal exclusion.
- Moving On – The Order has a number of single partners and several methods of helping you meet them. Consider dumping that blockhead and hook up with a Lock instead! In addition to solving this problem, the properly-named child you and your fellow Lock beget can be raised within the Order and make use of our Grand Lock Lodge Play-Zones!
From Volume 871 Issue 13 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!
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