By Pick F. Von Waldbaum (edited by Pick F. W. Hargreave)

[We take a break from our usual historical column written by myself, Pick W. Hargreave, as I cede the floor to Pick F. Von Waldbaum for a special one-off history column. He has a writing style quite different from my own, but the story he tells is a fascinating one.

As Mr. Von Waldbaum refused to respond to any of my editorial notes, I have embedded a small sampling of them within his article for the reader’s edification.]

Salutations, fellow Locks. It is a distinct pleasure to have this opportunity to address you within the venerable Locksmith Newsletter. My name is Pick F. Von Waldbaum, a lowly historian, and for the past three years I have been locked in battle with Lady Research, toiling away on my newest book, An Unlikely Legacy: W. Harding’s Two Presidencies.

[This passage may come off a little too self-promotional. Perhaps try hooking them with the actual history before plugging your book. Maybe a little less about yourself, while we’re at it?]

Those few among you who have not had the unique joy of cracking open a fresh copy of my tome [cut] may not know the story behind Harding’s two presidencies. In addition to his time as the 29th President of the United States, Barron W. Harding also served two and half terms as the Grand Lock-appointed Shadow President of the United States. To those outside of the auspicious Order That We All Serve [Archaic. You can just say “Order.”], Harding is often considered to be one of the more detestable men to ever sit in the Oval Office. But thanks to our monthly dues and those puppet strings we love to pull, there is often more happening beneath the surface.

Harding’s presidency, as you may well know, was marred by scandal after scandal. From extramarital affairs to The Teapot Dome Scandal which you remember the name of from high school but nothing else about it, Harding seemed to work hard to do everything wrong. [That’s a lot of editorializing, VW. Do you want me to just do a full pass on this?] Though the majority of these scandals seemed to break only after Warren had shuffled off this mortal coil, hoo boy! did this guy know how to cook up some juicy political intrigue. [Come on.] As a result, Harding has continually been ranked if not the worst, among the worst presidents by historians since the 1940s. But those historians don’t know the full picture…

On a fateful day in August of 1911, Warren G. Harding and then Shadow President A. Abernathy were on a moose hunting excursion in that part of the Adirondacks that’s really far from a hospital. Due to the lack of witnesses and Harding’s hesitance to discuss the incident, details are scant, but we do know that Abernathy was shot and trampled, and both injuries, according to Harding, were the moose’s fault. Abernathy was dead and the innocent and emotionally shattered Harding reluctantly took over the role of Shadow President for his departed friend. [We should probably mention the fact that Harding definitely killed Abernathy in a powergrab, right?] Harding had a second chance at political glory, and a first chance at actual governing as he moved the pieces behind the strings. [Please pick one metaphor.]

As Shadow President, Harding innovated a number of changes to both the role and the country that are still felt today. He created the idea of the State of the Union address which is written by the Shadow President and delivered by the Actual President every year to Congress. He was also the first to embed coded phrases into the State of Union when he placed the trigger word “clangor” into Woodrow Wilson’s first. [This. This is both true and interesting. More of this. I noticed that you’ve left out the part of this story where the use of “clangor” ignites World War I. Is this a purposeful oversight or are you purposely leaving out the big stuff so people buy your book?]

As the hands of time tick, tick, ticked onward, continuing it’s ever constant forward march, the heavy weight of the metaphorical Shadow President crown weighed our Harding down, and in 1920, Warren took the unprecedented step of trading one presidency for another. He blasted through the Republican primaries handily and went on to defeat the very man he commanded months earlier, Woodrow Wilson. The shoe was now on the other foot, as he was succeeded by the following Shadow President, R. Redgrave and now Harding was forced to guide his presidency into scandal after scandal. Was this out of his successor’s sick need for revenge as Harding flew too close to the sun, or just the way the Presidential cookie crumbled? We may never know. And with Harding serving as the only man to serve dual Presidencies his Unlikely Legacy may be our only chance at knowing. [No. Take the link out. You already got a title mention at the top.]

For the Locksmith Newsletter, I’m Pick F. Von Waldbaum. [You’ve read the goddamn newsletter before, right? We don’t do this. Please revise this thing, Von Waldbaum. You’re so far outside of the style guide it’s almost impressive.]