Key Esmeralda Fresca

We in the Grand Lock have the tradition of abbreviating our members’ first names to a single letter to preserve privacy. Our next candidate won’t hope to obscure herself behind such abbreviation  (and furthermore, she insists we don’t!).  Esmeralda Fresca is an absolute superstar of the highest magnitude, singlehandedly redefining what “celebrity” can mean in the Grand Lock. The “effervescent heiress” to the Fresca soda fortune made a huge splash at her debut at the 1969 Night of Champions and hasn’t looked back since. Under her capable hand, the Fresca soda empire has generated staggering amounts of income for our order. At 62 years young, this debutante would be the youngest Grand Key in order history if elected.  Bonus Trivia: Did you know that Fresca is also Italian for ‘fresh?’

Key S. Mongielo

The Grand Lock often acts as puppet masters–subtly pulling the strings of world leaders, economic development, and social movements. Few know just how often these strings are in fact literal strings.  S. Mongielo, a self-styled Sicilian “Gepetto,” is responsible for some of our most successful P.S.M.s (Person-Scale Marionettes) throughout the last 60 years. Mongielo’s most famous creation, Vice President Spiro Agnew, was sculpted out of balsa wood, candle wax, and the pelts of three purebred salukis; Mongielo was the sole operator of Agnew throughout his vice presidency–including his famous media relations speech and his attendance at the launch of Apollo 11. More recent Mongielo P.S.M.s include Hungarian PM Victor Orban and actor Armie Hammer. Quoth Mongielo “I’ve got my eye on a bigger puppet–the whole world, baby!”

Key G. Pepys

If you’ve ever played bocce ball or suffered from from rosacea, you’ve likely felt the invisible hand of Key G. Pepys. A grinning pitbull of a man at 5’2 with a knowing side smile and an ever present Member’s Only jacket, Pepys has come to control every bocce club in North America and the EU. Furthermore, he’s dutifully headed the Grand Lock Committee for Rosacea Awareness (A.K.A. “the Royal Rosaceans”) since 1982. A longtime sufferer himself, he’s come to embrace this affliction–enthused that’s it’s “mostly a white person thing.” [Note: the editors of this newsletter does not endorse racism even when applied to skin disease].  When asked about the election, Pepys is quoted, “Winning a vote is just like playing a game of bocce ball. Where the little ball goes, all the big balls follow, if you catch my drift. In this analogy, I’m referring to myself as the little ball. I hope that makes sense.”