Locksmith K. Delacroix

The Order attracts those of all walks of life, be they wealthy, rich, prosperous, affluent, or those with a boilerplate level of money. But no matter how well-off one might be, there’s always one campaign claim that will always attract an audience: the promise of more money. While paying a person for their vote is considered voter fraud, the position of Leadership is incredibly powerful with very few limitations upon the role. So, when K. Delacroix promises that upon ascending to the role of Leadership, he will “obtain” the voting records and “reward” any and all members who assured him the win, there is very little oversight that can be administered beyond a clicking of one’s teeth and a wagging of one’s finger. However, if the Locksmith wants the job he’ll have to answer a few questions with more substance than just simple bribes: we want to know “how much money?”, “when do we get the money?”, and “will it be cash or check?” Inquiring minds want to know.

Key D. Spangles

“There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t serve as Leadership,” says Spangles’ sponsor, M. Reyes. That is technically true, and it is this same bit of verbal linguistics that has served Spangles so well his entire short life. There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t be in The Order of the Grand Lock, just as there’s nothing in the rulebook about a dog serving as Lodge leader, or if members of The Order without fingers still have to give The Gesture to acknowledge fellow members. I predict the rulebook will say something about this very shortly.

Tumbler A. Dorsey

Admittedly, in writing these profiles of our Leadership candidates, your author hasn’t really had to use any investigative journalism techniques. In general, it’s the simple matter of  calling the prospective Leadership, asking a few questions, perhaps if one is feeling a bit industrious, getting in touch with a few character witnesses, write it up, bing boom, you’re done. The job is not so simple with Tumbler A. Dorsey. Dorsey is, according to records, a member of Lodge 88 in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but our repeated attempts at interviewing went unabated. No one contacted within Lodge 88 knows much of anything about Dorsey, beyond a few vague details such as “white teeth,” “shirts” and “regular face.” While it remains unclear as to if A. Dorsey is a viable candidate, or just an elaborate gaslighting attempt they certainly do have the “mysterious presence” angle decidedly locked down.

From Volume 871 Issue 23 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!