[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] 

Immortality is at hand. Care for and respect a good pair of boots–they’ll endure the ages. Why should the foot, the gullet, or the mind be any different? Friends, this metaphorical boot balm of which I speak is none other than vitamins and minerals and through these, the Grand Lock shall ascend to divinity. This week, we’ll look at a wellness delivery vehicle dear to my heart: vitamin marinades.

Ask any five people how they take vitamins and you’ll probably hear the same answer: “by mouth.” Eating vitamins is a popular pastime with wellness minded individuals and I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy it as well. The crunch of a capsule, the “pop” of a gelcap–vitamins taken orally are pleasing for mouth and body.

However–anyone who has eaten a cob of corn and waited 6 to 8 hours should immediately see the problem with administering nutrition orally. What goes is “in” must come “out.” The roundelay of the mammalian digestive system has vexed me for years (I’m also not crazy about the bidirectional mammalian respiratory method but that’s a column for another day). No matter how hard I struggle against this oroboros, nature takes its toll and I begrudgingly donate my hard-won vitamins to the plumbing with every “trip to Boston.”

A flash of insight struck one afternoon as I sat on the leather sofa in the YMCA locker room, cooling off from the sauna and absent-mindedly gazing at the supple tattooed flesh of a showering sailor (I presume). Like the permanent paint so vulgarly staining the back, neck, and inner thighs of this ruffian, nutrition that lasts must be administered directly into the flesh.

My first experiments at vitamin marinades took place in the bathtub. After some trial and error, I settled on a cocktail of orange juice concentrate (vitamin C), oil of cod(vitamin D), instant coffee powder (vitamin E), and “Rock and Roll Star” energy drinking fluid (B12). After soaking for three hours, twice a day for two weeks, my energy levels skyrocketed. My enhanced sexual virility thrilled and frightened me. However–the high financial cost and time commitment of bathing in this fountain of youth is extremely high. There had to be another way.

I improved my vitamin power soak through the power of technology. I found I could produce similar effects with much less liquid by marinating a terry-cloth track suit overnight in a small vat of the elixir. Don this nutrition suit (or “nooch suit”) and then cover it with a puffy vinyl “sauna suit” available at any fitness supply outlet. Tape up sleeve and pant cuffs to prevent leakage. This “nooch suit” is also a great way to bypass the 3.4 oz liquid transport limit through TSA lines at the airport. What they don’t know won’t kill them– and it strengthens me!

My “nooch suit” grants me freedom, and more importantly–longevity. A long bus ride is suddenly a trip to the spa as I privately stew in the drippings of nutrition. I beseech you, dear reader, soak long and soak hard! And ever be in good health.