by Cub Reporter Locksmith M. Hoshport (88832)

In an effort to curry favor with our many Members of the Order, the Candidates for Leadership have taken to the trail. From time to time, we will check in with our six Candidates as they travel across the globe from Lodge to Lodge.

May 9 – Lodge 122 – Idaho Falls, Idaho
Famed soda-heiress and Leadership Candidate, Key Esmeralda Fresca has found herself having what could be called an “inconsistent” time on the trail. Perfectly at home in the Lodges found in your larger cities with their easy access to multiple types of foie gras, Lady Fresca seems to lose a bit of her composure when visiting the smaller metropolitan areas. The metaphorical straw on the equally metaphorical camel’s back landed on Tuesday when Ms. Fesca visited Lodge 122 in Idaho Falls.  As she alternately shook hands and dipped them in a nearby bucket of hand sanitizer, Esmerelda was asked by a voter if she would sign something to commemorate her trip to Idaho. For reasons unclear to anyone but Ms. Fresca, she turned around, saw a potato being held before her and succumbed to rage.

“Get that mush-rock out of my sight!” she screamed. A crowd of stupefied supporters looked on as her staff attempted to calm her and explain that it was merely an uncooked potato, a chief export of the state, and staple of the Grand Lock potluck, but she continued, unabated. Esmeralda was eventually calmed down and convinced that the un-skinned potato was in fact the same vegetable that had been prepared for her millions of times, but no doubt she lost her cool again behind closed doors when she realized that she simultaneously offended her potato-loving supporters and provided ammunition to the opposition in the form of Earth’s natural mush-rock.

May 10 – Lodge 1844 – Klagenfurt, Austria
Locksmith K. Delacroix visited Lodge 1844 and maintained his key promise that anyone who votes for him will receive an as-of-yet undisclosed sum of money. He did take a few questions from the Austrian crowd, but due to the fact that they were primarily asked in German, he was unable to provide any further details regarding his policies, should he assume the mantle of Leadership.

One minor gaff while in Austria occurred when he visited a nearby cafe and referred to the Austrian Krainer Wurst as a “snausage,” which is the name of a popular dog treat in America. Will misunderstandings surrounding food embarrass each of the Leadership Candidates before the election can take place? This reporter says: probably.

May 12 – Lodge 308 – Chillicothe, Ohio
Key D. Spangles, the Leadership Candidate who is most well known as The Candidate That Is a Dog made an appearance in Ohio with his sponsor and owner, Locksmith M. Reyes. While there, he chased a squirrel, kissed his supporters, and, via an interpreter, spoke on his qualifications for Leadership, including “trustworthiness” and possessing “the eyes of an old soul.”

Many who attended the campaign stop were overheard agreeing that the candidate was “a good boy.”

From Volume 871 Issue 26 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!