by Cub Reporter Locksmith M. Hoshport (88832)

In an effort to curry favor with our many Members of the Order, the Candidates for Leadership have taken to the trail. From time to time, we will check in with our six Candidates as they travel across the globe from Lodge to Lodge.

June 16 – Lodge 30 – Manhattan, NY
A major election bombshell dropped Friday night at the S. Mongielo fundraiser banquet at the Mandarin Oriental in downtown NYC where Mongielo, a notable Grand Lock puppeteer was revealed to be a literal puppet himself. The Mongielo P.S.M. (Person-Scale Marionette) malfunction occurred when he stood up and raised his glass to toast the future of the lodge. Sources claim his jaw suddenly went slack, his limp legs appeared to levitate and brush the podium harmlessly like laundry dangling from a clothesline, and his champagne flute went whizzing across the room. The black tie banquet erupted in chaos as diners fled from the terrifying scene. The lifeless Mongielo P.S.M. was soon thereafter discovered crumpled outside the banquet hall next to mountain bike tracks pointed towards Central Park. Naturally, many questions arise from this banquet–has Mongielo ever been a real person? It’s unclear just how high up the strings controlling this candidate go but the Mandarin Oriental venue is admittedly, rather tall. Mongielo is clearly out of this race but this newsletter will continue to track the story whether it does or does not have legs.

June 9 – Lodge 2096 – Lubbock, TX
Locksmith Delacroix’ campaign saw a spike this week as the traditionally parsimonious plutocrat has begun putting his “money where his mouth is.” Supporters attending his recent Lubbock, TX lodge rally were promised “free donuts” but arrived at the lodge to find deeds to donut shop franchises. This act of generosity has certainly drawn full support from the Lubbock Lock community for the Delacroix leadership bid; now the question remains: can Lubbock, Texas support several hundred new Dunkin’ Donut locations?! I mean, sure, the kids are off from school and need jobs for the summer, but come September?!

June 19 – Lodge 991 – Los Angeles, CA
D. Spangles continues to poll well despite the fact that he is a Golden Retriever, incapable of human speech. Spangles paid a visit to Lodge 991 this Monday for their weekly lodge meeting where locksmiths report he had a “healthy coat” and “cute face.” When asked about persisting rumors of heartworm, his Californian supporters were quick to dismiss the accusations. Lodge leader K. Kazantzakis met privately with Spangles in his LA office and announced that Spangles is “possessing of a soul beyond his years. Spangles’ gentle eyes speak more than the rambling ‘weals and woes’ of yesteryear’s leadership ever could.” He went on to pronounce Spangles his choice for leadership and a “good boy.” Spangles is next scheduled to appear at the Redding, CA Petsmart this Sunday.

From Volume 871 Issue 32 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!