[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] 

Immortality is at hand. Though the forest of human mortality is mirksome, the light of divinity steers us through the gloaming towards immortality’s eternal embrace. Our path is circuitous and seems to steer us through bog and mire but soon (and very soon!) the light shall be ours thanks to the power of vitamins and minerals. This week, we’ll take a look at the benefits of one of my favorite vitamins–vitamin E.

But first, an update from my last missive. You’ll recall my frustration with the mammalian digestive system and its endlessly revolving door of consumption/expulsion. I had hoped to bypass this evolutionary farce by marinating my flesh in vitamin-rich fluids via my (patent-pending) nutrition suit. Sadly, this experiment has landed me in the intensive care unit at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital with a case of contact dermatitis. Though my thighs, back, buttocks, and inner arms are covered in weeping sores, my spirit shines brightly with the hope, neigh–the conviction that this is a mere pause on the road to eternity.

The nutrition suit is but one expression of a greater truth. John Donne’s “No man is an island,” Plato’s myth of the androgyne–human beings have long held the innate understanding that these crude bio-forms we inhabit are somehow incomplete. We must close the loop; we must become (as they said in my army days) self-licking ice cream cones.

Here in my hospital bed, as the male nurse sponges the pus from my inner thighs, my thoughts turn to mutual symbiosis. Nature is rich with such examples of co-beneficial relationships–aphids pollinating the blossoms of the honeydew melon, protective anemones affixed upon the hermit crab’s shell. Perhaps the answer to the immortality dilemma lies in a matching puzzle piece yet undiscovered. A yin to complete our biological yang. But what resource does the human body have in abundance–what gift remains ever unclaimed under our biological Christmas tree? The answer is pee and poop.

Pee, or “urine” teems with treasures such as creatinine, uric acid, and “urea”–nitrogenous “wastes” that in fact hold many benefits. For instance, these elements are essential in the production of marine plywood. My latest theory states that a wooden plinth could be grafted to the stomach lining and affixed with a colony of iron and calcium-rich Spanish goose barnacles. The naturally occurring pee in the stomach would harden the wood which in turn feeds the barnacle which feeds the stomach. A beautiful circle of life! Sadly, my local Asian market doesn’t stock barnacles and requested that I stop calling them. Until I’m fit enough to board the bus and check other local grocers, this mystery yet remains unsolved.

Anyway, vitamin E is an extremely beneficial vitamin which reduces cholesterol and thickens hair. It occurs naturally in sunflower seeds, hazelnuts, and almonds but usually I just eat the little vitamin pills they sell at ShopRite. It is a very good vitamin to take.

Excelsior, dear friends and be ever in good health! We shall meet again in the future.