Meet the man who is at the top of many lists within The Order.
By Locksmith H. Murcher (45023)

Pick A. Aaron II isn’t an outspoken member of The Grand Lock, nor would he claim to be a very prominent one. Having only been among our ranks for a few months shy of a decade, he isn’t particularly wizened or revered. He is, however, the first member.

I refer, of course, to the tradition of The Grand Lock’s yearly GreatAlphabetizing. If you were only recently inducted and are unfamiliar with the process, The Great Alphabetizing happens every September, and effectively serves as our census, with significantly less political corruption involved. Members are arranged into alphabetical order by Lodge, State, Country, and finally, Planet, serving as the Grand Lock Master List.

The tradition dates back to the earliest days of The Order of the Grand Lock, at a time when there were so few members that such a list took up only the front and back of a single sheet of paper. Unfortunately, the tradition was so solidly in place that by the time the list became stupid and impractical, it’s roots were too firmly planted in the Grand Lock zeitgeist to remove.

These lists are generally kept very secure as to keep this information from those who would do harm with such information (ie. The Guardians of the Orb and IBM), but it didn’t take long for members to chuckle at amusement after learning the full name of Pick Aaron Aaron II, and comment that he most assuredly would be placed front and center at each list.

In 2008, Aaron appeared in a series of promotional videos for that year’s Great Alphabetizing which had the theme of “Be a fan of organization!” In the 30-second spots that were played within each of the Lodges in the weeks leading up to the Great Alphabetizing, Aaron wore a foam finger and a t-shirt that read “I’m #1!” and urged his fellow Locks to “be on time” and “have your last name memorized and ready to recite.” As you might imagine, his participation in these spots lead to significantly more recognition as having an abnormally a-filled name.

“People generally think it’s pretty funny,” Aaron says when we met at his Home Lodge in South Bend, Indiana. “But I can’t say that I’ve seen much benefit from it. Honestly, it’s kind of annoying. On The Great Alphabetizing, I’m the only person who has to stand the entire time since I’m called up first.” I attempted to point out that his Lodge’s Alphabetizing Moderator also had to stand the entire time but Aaron informed me that she was in a wheelchair. I did a significant amount of investigative journalism to confirm this fact, which in hindsight, was a waste of time.

Or so I initially thought.

South Bend Lodge 5833’s Alphabetizing Moderator is surprisingly under the radar. It took several phone calls to local Keys before I could confirm the whole wheelchair thing, and significant digging through the South Bend Record Hall before I could find a name. I’ve built this up so much at this point that you probably have already anticipated the shocking twist that I’m about to reveal, but whatever. That woman’s name is Aabigail Aaarsvold. But what you perhaps didn’t see coming is the fact that there is no record of this name appearing in the Grand Lock Register before this year, meaning that she had recently come before the Grand Lock Naming Board on the most recent Name Amnesty Day.

“I had no- Aaarsvold? With three a’s?” was Aaron’s initial comment when reached on the phone. I pointed out that her first name was spelled with two a’s and he sputtered further. “Are you- why? Do you pronounce it A-Abigail or is one of them silent?”

I told him that I didn’t know. And I will continue to not know for some time, as Aabigail turned down several invitations to comment on this article before publication.

But one thing is for certain: this September’s Great Alphabetizing has unlocked a new arms race. Not one in which a-bombs are added to armaments, but one in which letter a’s are added to epithets.

From Volume 871 Issue 36 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!