by Cub Reporter Locksmith M. Hoshport (88832)

In an effort to curry favor with our many Members of the Order, the Candidates for Leadership have taken to the trail. From time to time, we will check in with our six Candidates as they travel across the globe from Lodge to Lodge.

July 12 – Lodge 11193b – Fairbanks, AK

The ever obscure Tumbler A. Dorsey was said to be making an appearance at Alaska’s oldest lodge which meant that yours truly immediately had to begin his trek as Dorsey sightings get more and more infrequent while his poll numbers seem to climb higher and higher. I, along with several Fairbanks constituents, waited in a number of folding chairs, rented for just this occasion. In a personal setback of reporting, it turns out that the Grand Locks of Alaska are a hard-drinkin’ bunch who encourage outsiders to taste a large number of their spirits and in a drunken haze I then hit my head on a barstool when falling off a barstool. From my notes I have determined that the event was a “smucksess,” and that when Dorsey addressed the crowd “he” or “she” (it’s difficult to read) made promises to either increase or decrease membership numbers.

Certainly these latest remarks will either help or harm Dorsey’s poll numbers.

July 22 – Lodge 18 – Saco, ME
Soda heiress Esmeralda Fresca has spent much of the campaign dodging scandals and July seems to be no different. In May it was a potato-induced public “freak-out.” In June it was a classic “caught canoodling” with fellow soda heir/sworn enemy of the Grand Locks, Francisco Jarrito. And now, as you no doubt have heard, we are still deeply entrenched in what the media has uncreatively dubbed “Water Gate.” It all began in Rhode Island where Fresca campaign aids were seen pouring tap water into emptied Fresca bottles. From that time on, Esmeralda has been dogged by questions as to if she actually drinks the sugary water that made her family. She continues to insist that she exclusively drinks Fresca while steadfastly refusing to give proof, despite the fact that merely sipping from a bottle in front of cameras would quell her critics. This came to a head in Maine when a small child offered her a bottle at a receiving line. What began as a tense moment in which an uncapped bottle was brought to Esmerelda’s lips ended in the least credible bottle spill in campaign history. More updates as this story progresses.
July 28 – Lodge 239 – Málaga, Spain
Key G. Pepys has also accumulated a number of scandals to his name over the past few months, though none of them have stuck, no doubt because he is male and because they make everyone uncomfortable. Pepys recently took some time off from the race declaring that he needed to make room for research. After various sightings in university libraries, Pepys made his first public appearance in Spain, and at a rally he announced that he had uncovered damaging information about fellow Leadership candidate Locksmith K. Delacroix.

“Delacroix is a Frank, and he and his family pushed out the Celtic Gauls at the Domain of Soissons. He and his family owe an apology to the Holy Roman Empire and he, and any other descendants, should not be allowed to run for Leadership until an apology is tendered and it is accepted.”

Because it is primarily discriminatory towards ancient peoples and requires an understanding of early French history, the remark has failed to gain any traction among voters.

From Volume 871 Issue 37 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!