It is in the nature of our order to question everything. Established in 1852, it is in the nature of the Grand Lock Advisory Council to answer everything. You’ve got questions, we have the authority to invent answers.

I very recently joined The Order and feel a little out of place. I am the youngest member of my Lodge by at least 30 years. Is this a common experience? Just a random hiccup?
Youthful in [REDACTED]

According to the most recent Great Alphabetization statistics, the mean age of members of The Order of the Grand Lock is 72, which does skew a wee bit older than most clubs. You basically have two options here:

1. Mold The Order of the Grand Lock into the secret society you want it to be by inviting in like-minded initiates to whom you are closer in age. (Don’t do this. Any attempts to mold the Order into something other than what it is will be seen as sedition.)
2. Wait it out. Strike up some conversations with some fellow members who are significantly older than you. Try on some new hobbies, like bird-owning, or bullwhip tricks. At some point you will only be the fourth youngest member of the your Lodge. Get really into potato cooking and vitamins. Then one day you’ll realize that you’re among the oldest and you’ll wonder where the time went, and you’ll spend your days secretly hating the younger members of the Lodge.

If you’re familiar with the play Romeo and Juliet by early Order member William Shakespeare, a friend of mine is currently in a Romeo and Juliet-style situation. He (the metaphorical Romeo) is a Lock and has fallen in love with a young lady who is in our rival society, The Guardians of the Orb. What can I do to help these two?
Mercurtio in [REDACTED]

For a moment, let us assume that your “friend” actually exists and is not a ruse to conceal your own guilt. If that is the case, our Order is most assuredly already aware of this coupling, and the only reason it continues is because there is something to be gained by your friend and his Orb Guardian’s dalliance. You should inform your friend that he will be punished either way, so maybe he should talk to his Lodge’s High Key and see if he can work out some kind of deal that will make this arrangement far less painful for all involved.

Also, henceforth you can just assume that everyone is incredibly familiar with Romeo and Juliet. 
I have always enjoyed a can of Fresca when I would attend a Grand Lock meeting, but now that Esmerelda Fresca is running for Leadership, I’m concerned that doing so would look like an endorsement for a particular candidate. What should I do?
Unrefreshed in [REDACTED]

The Grand Lock Advisory Council is an impartial body and makes no endorsement for Leadership, and is able to remain unbiased with regard to this question.

However, The Grand Lock Advisory Council is on a paleo thing, and so most sodas, especially those with aspartame, can not be recommended. As a result, we must issue one of our rare recusals along with a cautious “you should really read up on those ingredients, buddy. It’s crazy.”

Have a question for the Advisory Council? Make sure it’s a worthy one! Just email advice@thegrandlock.com, then signal twice at dawn with your lapel pin or amulet.

From Volume 871 Issue 36 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!