by Barron B. Hoffbeck (no. 12513)

Fall is here in Eden Prairie and nature has revealed a glimpse of its peacock plumage in the changing leaves. Though we mourn summer’s passing, Autumn is a beautiful and transformative season here on the banks of the Minnesota River that invites self-reflection. I sit at my word processor today reflecting about the sample of Autumn weather that September has brought us and in turn, a sample of unpleasantry experienced at my local grocer’s.

On Wednesday morning, I found myself at Cub Foods doing my regular weekly shopping trip. Whilst considering a cabbage I heard a squeaky-voiced cuckoo’s call trill across the produce aisle. There stood a paper-hatted coed behind a card table–distributing little plastic cups of toffee snack corn. “Ma’am would you like to try new Organic Fiddle Faddle?” Demurely, I rebuked the offer with a handwave and sidewise smile. Afterall, I didn’t come to Cub Foods to loiter and take hand-outs.

“Awwww c’mon, Ma’am, don’t miss out on the finer things in life!” he unctuously chided. Growing impatient, I smiled and replied with a simple no-thank-you. It’s neither my responsibility nor his business to inform him of my diverticulitis and the low-residue diet required therein. A handful of his ignoble corn snack may be “Fiddle Faddle” indeed to an acne-pocked lout fresh out of youth’s bloomers but to a woman of my particulars, it would mean cramping, diarrhea, and that most insipid G.I. chestnut–bloody stool.

I tuned him out (or tried to!) and surveyed the bananas. Ever he beckoned in a singsong carnival barker’s call, “it’s really gooooood!”

Fedup, I absconded the produce to take my chances in the freezer case. Before I had broken free of the magpie’s gaze however, he trumpeted a final, cloying plea: “It’s low-fat, ma’am!” The churl!

I admit dear reader that in that moment I was already “in a huff” and not equipped for what greeted me next. For when I rounded the corner to cheese and yoghurt, standing before me was another card table, and standing behind it–a man with a beard who asked me, at 11am on a Wednesday mind you, if I would like to sample a “grapefruit microbrewed pale ale.” I proclaimed that I most certainly would not. He replied through grinning teeth, “Something a little a hoppier then?” Just what kind of woman did he take me for? I abandoned my cart and made haste for the exit, resigned to take my chances with Jerry’s Food despite their smaller selections and much worse parking lot.

As I reflect back on today’s transgressions, I wonder if the problem is not so much with the “free sample” people of Cub Foods but with sample culture as a greater whole. I’m not advocating avoiding new things (my record at the Hennepin County YuGiOh tournament last week will speak to that) but we so often find ourselves in this “free sample” nightmare world that we forget the endgame. Do we really need reminders to buy beer and popcorn?

I’m reminded of the Grand Lock’s involvement in CIA chemical experiments in the 50s and 60s wherein “free samples” of weaponized narcotics were administered to CIA operatives. Eventually the data demanded that our Lock scientists stopped “asking” and started slipping these doses of mind-altering substances into unwilling participants. Looking back, this probably wasn’t a great idea (though our successes with Yellow #5, SPF 30 sunscreen, and iodized salt are undoubtedly direct descendants of these efforts).

Dear reader, at the end of the day “no means no.” And if you’re an employee of Cub Foods then reader, I beseech you: let me shop in peace. Toodle-oo for now!

From Volume 871 Issue 45 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!