Like many of the days celebrated in the non-Lock community, Columbus Day is based on a complete lie. We know that Christopher Columbus is actually a combination of several different explorers named Chris de Las Casas, Toforo Santo, and Columbo Della Città Precedentemente Conosciuta Come Colonia Penale Inospitale Venti Due. To help you to pretend as though you’ve celebrated this strange holiday your entire life, here’s your Order of the Grand Lock Guide to Columbus Day.

They Think.. But We Know… Columbus discovered America. That’s stupid. The Grand Locks discovered America, but we would never say that because there were already people here. Our people. Columbus was looking for a more efficient route for spice trading. Yes, spices were part of it. But Columbus also tried samosas the last time he was in India and he kept telling people about them, but nobody could really figure out how to make them (gnocchi was as close as anyone got). So he really wanted to be able to bring some samosas home through a more efficient route, before they had time to rot on the journey back. It’s the reason Americans get the second Monday in October off. It’s actually because this is the day all Locks go into their places of business and plan how they’re going to ensure they succeed this year at the expense of all non-Locks. Columbus discovered that the world was round. It’s more of an oblate spheroid. Columbus is an Italian icon. Italy didn’t exist until 1861. Technically, the non-Locks know that too, but just let them have it. There were three ships: the Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria. There were actually four ships: the aforementioned Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria, as well as the Battello Della Barca. The fourth, oft forgotten craft was named through a “Name the Ship” contest open to the public. The winning name translates to “Boat of the Boat.”

From Volume 871 Issue 46 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!