Like ceremonial robe fashions, the latest trends within The Order of the Grand Lock are constantly shifting. To keep you abreast of what’s in and what’s out in the world of bird ownership, welcome Celebrity Ornithologist (Domesticated), Tumbler L. Brecknock!

‘Allo, ‘allo, my dear Locks! Whether you’re a first time bird employer (we neveruse the word “owner” for who can truly own such a glorious creature?) or you’re adding to an already overstuffed bird menagerie, it is my pleasure to give you The Latest Word on the World of Birds.

In!

This season in bird employing is all about beaks: people want them colourful and they want them long. Enter the rhinoceros hornbill! Spotted atop the shoulders of several celebs at the recent Grand Lock Emmy Awards, held right behind the Decoy Emmys, the rhino hornbill is large, in charge, and sporting a prominent casque used to reach fruit on tree branches. Even better: this bird is always wearing black, which means it’ll look slim, and you will too when you wear it! Plus, it lives on fruit, so it’s naturally slim!

Foul!

Several Locks keep a chicken as a feathered companion, which, while a bit unorthodox, is a fine choice. However, many of those Locks also harvest the eggs of said chicken and utilize them for their personal breakfasts or baking purposes. At this, I say: tsk, tsk! When bringing a bird into one’s flat, you must make a decision about the relationship you are entering into. Is this my companion? Or am I going to eat a product produced by this bird? A Grand Lock and their bird forge a bond of friendship. Perhaps I am of the old school, but I believe that one should never eat anything that was once within a friend.

Future Watch!

I’m calling it now! I predict that the next trend in bird employing is going to be all about the feathered friends with legs (and who know how to use ‘em!). On the Leadership Campaign Trail, the always glorious Esmeralda Fresca has been spotted walking alongside a pair of leashed flamingos. I imagine it won’t be long before we have a war of escalation moving from egrets to herons and finally, to herons wearing leg enhancements. You’ve read it here first!

For the Bird-Averse!

Whether it’s due to allergies, a low-ceilinged domicile, or a compulsive refusal to share one’s seeds, we recognize that owning birds is not an option that everyone can enjoy. That does not mean you can’t enjoy the pleasures of the feathers in different ways. Try setting an alarm on your phone for sunrise to greet each day with a mighty and invigorating “SQUAWK!” Before going to sleep, drape a towel over your telly to indicate to the “people” “inside” that it is time for them to go to sleep as well. Hide a seedbell in a neighbor’s tree and, from afar, enjoy a selection of feathered visitors and a variety of perplexed looks from said neighbor!

Also In!

As you know, these trends are often cyclical, and I am please to inform you that calling parakeets “budgies” is back! Short for their full name, “budgerigar,” calling them “budgies” was kind of a British thing, perhaps personified best by the Welsh hard-rock band Budgie. But in a recent interview, Key N. Portman was not shy about her love of her “two budgies, Teckla Minnau and Dormé” who were given to her as a gift from director Tumbler G. Lucas. So, “parakeet” = out. “Budgie” = in, in, in!

From Volume 871 Issue 48 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!