by Cub Reporter Locksmith M. Hoshport (88832)

Since Election Day last week, there have been a number of events that have unfolded, but from this reporter’s perspective, there are far more that appear to be currently folded, simply waiting for our guard to fall before they too unfold. Here is a timeline of said events (unfolded) and our analysis as to what will happen next, vis a vis events (folded, at present).

Tuesday – 11/07/17
In the first Leadership Election Day in a generation, excitement among the ranks of our Locks was high. After a long and turbulent campaign which saw mysterious figures, empty promises, soda heiresses forced to “slum it,” and a cute dog, Members were excited to finally voice their vote. Turnout rates were at a robust 90%, with the remaining 10% too senile to engage in participatory democracy.

Were rumors of marble spills at some Polling Lodges true? Almost certainly. Oak casks are heavy to begin with, let alone those that are filled with marbles. Ultimately, such accidents are and always have been a part of our unwieldy voting system.

Thursday – 11/09/17
Early Thursday afternoon, white smoke issued from the secret Grand Temple in Washington D.C. signaling that the marble counts had been certified. Though the results would not be announced until Sunday at the Grand Lock Election Pot Luck, it was time for Key J. Fitzdale to inform the victor: Key G. Pepys.

Pepys ran on a platform of pro-Rosacea/pro-old timey racism that seemingly split The Order into two camps: those who disliked his rhetoric and those who hated it. While campaigning for Leadership he frequently mentioned a “Silent Old Fashioned Majority” while winking and putting air quotes around the words “Old Fashioned.”

According to the Key who spoke to the Leadership-elect by phone, Pepys was “calm, and very quiet. [He] did not seem all that excited. Hard guy to read.”

Friday – 11/10/17
Next came the now-infamous press conference. Breaking with tradition, Pepys made the announcement of his nomination on his own, outside of the usual channels. “The people have spoken,” Pepys announced, “and they have said three words: ‘Pepys,’ ‘Leadership,’ and ‘win.’” Pepys’ speech was boilerplate acceptance rhetoric from that point until he hit his conclusion.

“I am thankful to all those who cast their vote for me. Sadly, I can not honor their wishes.” He paused here and waited for the assembled press to quiet. “I have made my feelings regarding the purity of the Saxons, and only the Saxons, very clear. I can not represent or lead a constituency of such… diverse bloodtypes.” What followed was a stream of archaic racist terms based on history that were so obscure that even your most hate-filled racists would call him “picky.”

Pepys clarified through a representative later that he would not accept the role so he could focus on establishing a “purity space” at sea to prove once and for all that “Saxon blood rises to the top.”

Saturday – 11/11/17
While trying to obtain a public reaction, it became impossible for this reporter to locate even a single Member who would admit to voting for Pepys. Some cry voter fraud, but more likely this is due to voter shame. The High Keys immediately released a statement indicating that the situation would soon be resolved and a new Leadership would be installed shortly.

I spoke with Lock Historian Pick W. Hargreave to ask about precedent and it would seem that there simply isn’t one. “The last Leadership Election on record is, sadly, beyond our current records. Finding a tie or abdication is even more impossible. I guess they’d just give it to the second-place vote getter, but-” and then he shrugged.

Sunday – 11/12/17
At 2:32pm, a Carnival cruise liner reported seeing a plume of smoke 420 miles off the Atlantic coast. Helicopter fly-over later confirmed this was what remained of Pepy’s craft, the SS Widukind. A post earlier in the day on Pepy’s social media indicated a possible culprit for the incident: “They say combustion is the way to power a ship, but the day I use an engine developed by an inventor from WEST Germany is the day I eat my hat!!!”

This even more specific racism clearly targeted 1800s engineer Nikolaus Otto and no doubt led to the craft’s amateur steam engine exploding and sinking the craft. Pepys was not found on board, and his whereabouts are unknown.

This is where we stand at present. After the cancellation of Sunday’s Pot Luck we have yet to hear from the High Keys or any of the other Leadership Campaigns, which no doubt indicates some communication between these parties. Whatever happens next, we are currently standing in unexplored territory and are now a part of Grand Lock History.

Return next week for the next issue of the Locksmith Newsletter as the Leadership Campaign continues long beyond our original expectations!

From Volume 871 Issue 52 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!