by New Cub Reporter Locksmith K. Appleblack (93332)

The good news: By the time you’re reading this, the Leadership Campaign has been settled.

The bad news: It has taken several weeks longer than anticipated, a racist ship explosion, and my predecessor being driven insane to get there.

After word got out about the non-existence of Candidate Dorsey last Tuesday, two of the three remaining candidates issued press releases rather than wait for the High Key Council to issue their next directive. First came Soda heiress Esmeralda Fresca’s announcement. Her statement, posted via social media, indicated that she was dropping out of the race due to concerns that it “was taking too long” and the fact that she was “more interested in really perfecting this home theater setup.”

This statement was soon followed by one from Locksmith K. Delacroix who declared that he too was eliminating himself from Leadership contention. Delacroix’ favorability in the polls fluctuated somewhat with the promise that anyone who voted for him would receive payment–in Delacroix’ own tendered currency, the “Croikey.” This promise skirted a loophole in election bylaws that stated Campaign payouts of federally recognized currency were purely forbidden. Ultimately, Delacroix fell victim to his own success when a Grand Lock Tumbler in North Dakota purchased 20 acres of state-owned farmland for 340,000 Croikies and the FSOC permitted (and thus federally recognized) the transaction. At the time of publishing, Delacroix was unavailable for comment and reportedly “eating a buttered steak in a solid gold helicopter.”

With the end of these two campaigns, The Order was left with only one final candidate still in the running…

From Volume 872 Issue 1 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!