By Tumbler B. Chesney (40253)

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] 

Immortality is at hand. We, the citizens of this spaceship Earth, lurk in muck and mire resigning ourselves to grief, but I say to you, fear not! For in the muddy churn of man and nature’s death machine, a light shines true. Behold the lilies of the field–Vitamins and minerals shall guide the Grand Lock’s ascendence to the eternal! Today’s column focuses on that most enigmatic of nutritional sources: plants.

Everyone knows of man’s green and leafy friend, the plant. These photosynthetic creatures reduce carbon dioxide levels, filter pollutants out of our atmosphere, taste okay sometimes, and look handsome in a terracotta pot. Beyond the obvious health benefits of the plant lies a deeper connection to our world. Recent scholarly journals available in my local library (Swamp Thing, A. Moore, S. Snyder, et al. 1984-) posit evidence of a “green force”–a kind of sympathetic miasma that connects all plant life and in some special cases, a human being. The presence of this “green force” seems to deliver the life-extending elixir of the plant into its host with multiple life-extending benefits–extended lifespan, enhanced immune system, even some kind of limited chlorokinesis. But how can we tap into this “green?”

Obviously, the first answer is to eat as much spinach as possible. The salad bar at Manetti’s Italian restaurant in downtown Philadelphia is rich in spinach and has pizza also. Spinach is full of vitamin K, vitamin A (in the form of carotenoids), manganese, folate, magnesium, et. cetera and I ask that you just trust me on this. You don’t need to check.

As I pondered other more non-traditional ways of tapping into the green force, my mind goes to the healing powers of black tourmaline. I’ve written before (and am still receiving hate mail!) about the vitamin-rich energy of crystals. Black tourmaline in particular is an effective anti-toxin which absorbs negative emotional ions and exhales affirming, life enhancing orgone. How similar this sounds to the humble tree! And by serendipity, many people worldwide have a tree in their homes at this very instant (I speak of the Christmas tree).

Friends, I set myself on drinking my Christmas tree and my energy and virility levels are unprecedented. Fraser firs are not only filled with the purified spiritual energy of a month of human cohabitation, but also in nutritious fir needle essential oils. These oils are natural cancer fighters, antiseptics, and can be a powerful reliever of chronic joint pain.

To drink my Christmas tree, I used a variation of my lutefisk recipe. Of course, this meant my tree was down before the actual holiday, but as you’ll see, it still maintained a revered presence in the Chesney home!

1. Cut your Christmas tree into small “chunks.” Be careful to preserve as many needles as possible.
2. Soak the tree for 2+ days in cold water (I used my bathtub). This softens the tree.
3. Replace the water with a diluted lye mixture and let it soak for at least two more days. Many fear the caustic properties of lye–utter poppycock. I drink a teaspoon of lye every morning.
4. Drain the diluted lye and run the shower for two days to rinse off. When possible, massage and honor the trunk.
5. The wood should be pulpy and soft. It’s time to blend and drink!

This thick, frothy treat is an excellent nightcap to the holiday season. I like to add a twist of lime to make my variation of a gimlet. There are no doubts in my mind–nay, I guarantee that drinking your Christmas tree annually will extend your lifespan. Be in good health!

From Volume 872 Issue 5 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!