The moon and The Order of the Grand Lock have a long and intertwined relationship dating back beyond most records. The early Lock oral tradition makes reference to Order potlucks given to honor the moon in the hopes that it would finally stop following us around. But time marches on and technology develops ultimately leading to Members of our Order being among the first to walk on the moon.

The story begins in 1961 when Non-Shadow President John F. Kennedy went rogue in a joint session with Congress and announced his intention for the United States to land a man on the moon. (Unbeknownst to the Locks of the time, Kennedy was acting as a member of our rival organization, The Guardians of the Orb.) This forced the hand of Shadow President Henry X. Lincoln to accelerate current space exploration plans.

Landing an American on the moon would take levels of coordination with non-Locks that heretofore had never been attempted. NASA had been formed merely two years prior and had not been fully integrated with the Order, meaning that Locks and non-Locks were working in tandem with some of America’s most advanced technology. Several scientists, including Key R. Fitzhower stormed off the project and in 1964 found themselves inducted into The Grand Lock Shameful Portrait Gallery which, as you may know, is the Consequence Committee’s mildest form of punishment.

After a long series of test missions and launches, Prominent Locks Barron B. Aldrin and Key M. Collins were selected for the mission alongside the unaffiliated Neil Armstrong. Originally Aldrin was to be the first man to walk on the moon, but on the long journey from Earth, entered into an argument that led to a bet with Armstrong as to what year Peggy Lee recorded “Fly Me to the Moon.” His incorrect guess of 1957 alongside a stubbornness to be a man of his word resulted in him becoming the second man to walk on the moon.

Armstrong was neither a Lock nor a Guardian of the Orb, so frequently he is forgotten by those within The Order in favor of “our guy” Aldrin. Interestingly, after returning Earth, Armstrong was offered membership in nearly every secret fraternal organization as a way to lay claim to “the first man” but he refused each group. In the late-70s, Armstrong formed his own secret order, The Most Loyal Moonrats, which never managed to take off due to its very stupid name. The initial outpost in Cincinnati still exists out of pure obstinance.

Barron B. Aldrin made his way to the surface of the moon twelve minutes later, describing the view as “magnificent desolation,” an ironic reference to a threat made years earlier by Guardian of the Orb Leader, Duke Kal Hunchinstrap who purportedly stated, “The Guardians will be the first on the moon in ‘70. In ‘71 all that will be left of them is vast swaths of magnificent desolation.” This, clearly, was wrong, since I’m writing an article about our history that will be sent out via electronic communication methods and the Orbs still primarily use photocopies. (I’d ask you Guardians how you like those apples, but I already know: you dislike them.)

The question that most frequently comes up regarding the moon landing by non-Locks is, of course, was it faked? As we know, the answer is no, but yes, also. Man landed on the moon through a state-of-the-art coordination of technological know-how and pure will on July 9th, 1969. Sadly, the aforementioned Key M. Collins was not properly briefed on the video equipment and did not properly broadcast the event to viewers on Earth and instead pointed the camera at the floor of the lunar capsule for the majority of the evening. When the trio returned to Earth, the decision was made to perform a reenactment a week later on July 16th for non-Locks who had not already learned of the massive breakthrough.

The non-Locks working at NASA were deeply embarrassed and simply went along with the ruse.

The moon belongs to The Order of the Grand Lock (and The Most Loyal Moonrats) and anxiously awaits our return one day. The Space Race with the Guardians of the Orb very quickly ended after these events, though rumblings continue that a secret program with aims towards Mars has existed for the past decade. Whether or not this is true, and whether or not we can get a person on board who knows how to work a camera, will remain to be seen.

From Volume 872 Issue 6 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!