By Barron G. Saechow

We at the Order of the Grand Lock Consequence Committee may sometimes issue early alerts for potential malfeasant activity originating from the Guardians of the Orb. The subcommittee of Capers, Misadventure, and Skullduggery have gathered intel that unfortunately may point to such activity. Grand Locks are advised to review the facts and stand vigilant in the coming weeks against potential Orb threat.

As a primer for new members, the Guardians of the Orb are a rival organization that has held a longstanding rivalry with the Order of the Grand Lock. Whereas the Grand Lock controls world governments and serves as the invisible hand of the marketplace through manipulation, coercion, and threat, the Guardians of the Orb also do all of this but in a way that is much worse and extremely not good. While certainly deserving of ridicule, they are not to be underestimated.

The first sign of impending Orb activity came from a curious upward spike in North American Fresca sales this month. Fresca has long been a reliable cash cow for the Grand Lock so at first this came as a welcome surprise. However, closer analysis revealed that though our distributors were moving their entire stock, the vast bulk of deliveries were going to known Orb enclaves–Newark International Airport, Busch Stadium, Action Park theme park in Vernon NJ, and Florida (entire state).

Further analysis showed another sales spike in these same regions–pet stores and animal breeders in these areas report abnormally high gerbil sales for December/January. Of course, gerbils always see a popularity spike around the holidays but the implication is…troubling.

Curiously, the timeframe of these sales spikes correspond precisely with the release of Grand Orb “Orb Lord” Drigby Brooks from Canadian federal prison. Grand Locks may remember that Brooks masterminded the theft of the Statue of Liberty during the 1983 David Copperfield “disappearing Statue of Liberty” illusion (returned minutes later thanks to some Grand Lock Consequence Committee deep agents). Brooks was arrested by Canadian authorities in 2015 for getting a DUI on a pontoon boat (his third such arrest).

Finally, it would seem that hovercraft rentals arecompletely booked up along the American eastern seaboard for the next four weeks. This may point to nefarious Orb activity or just a notable lack of hovercraft rental agencies. Regardless, my husband Gary’s 40th birthday party is ruined.

Grand Locks are advised to take extra caution in the coming weeks. Remember: see something, say something. Individual Locks are advised not to take preemptive action against perceived Orb wrongdoings as we’re technically in a shadow war ceasefire and any escalation may jeopardize Lock safety and our upcoming Locks vs Orbs Key Arena charity basketball game. It is too late to get the security deposit back. STAY SAFE.

From Volume 872 Issue 9 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!