By Barron G. Saechow

LEWES, DELAWARE: The Grand Lock pleasure yacht, “Disco Volante” was seen disappearing under the waves 2 nautical miles off the Delaware coast on the evening of Sunday, February 4th. As of now, all 15 Grand Lock lodge members on board are missing and unaccounted for and INCLUDES OUR NEWLY ELECTED LEADER AND DOG, SPANGLES T. DOG. OUR GOD DAMNED PRESIDENT DOG!

Eyewitnesses report a sudden surge of bubbles which allegedly lowered area water density enough to send the Disco Volante plummeting into the deep. Further reports claim that nearby seawater “smelled fruity” and contained “notes of citrus.” Kind of like Fresca–kind of like the MASSIVE STOCKPILE OF FRESCA RECENTLY DELIVERED TO GUARDIANS OF THE ORB STRONGHOLDS LAST MONTH. THEY SANK OUR SHIP WITH FRESCA. FRESCA! That’s our special drink!!

Further eyewitness reports noted “pillow like water-crafts” making an “awful lot of commotion” fleeing the scene on top of the bubbly water and then somehow on land as well, disappearing into the thick Delaware coastal forests. It’s almost as if the Guardians of the Orb really DID rent all the hovercrafts on the eastern seaboard and that I really was telling you the truth about why you didn’t get the number one gift on your birthday list this year, Gary. MARRIAGE IS BUILT ON TRUST, GARY!

Grand Lock rescue crews have been hard at work night and day searching for clues on the missing ship and passengers. Our submarines have as of yet been unable to pinpoint the shipwreck’s location due to an abnormally thick syrup content on the seafloor. Rescuers remain optimistic that Spangles managed to get away from the wreck; by all accounts, Spangles is a strong swimmer with a confident and swift doggy-paddle.

At the time of publication, the Guardians of the Orb have yet to make a statement claiming ownership of this villainous act of misadventure most heinous. Regardless, their handiwork is all over this crime and, by the way, WETOTALLY CALLED THIS TWO WEEKS AGO. And you KNOW those gerbils are involved somehow.

Watch this space for all future updates on this story. And remember–DON’T PANIC. RELAX! I’M SURE THIS IS ALL GOING TO WORK OUT JUST FINE.

From Volume 872 Issue 11 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!