By Barron G. Saechow (73285)

LEWES, DELAWARE: Last week we reported on new details surrounding the disappearance of The Grand Lock pleasure yacht, “Disco Volante” on February 4th. 15 members of The Order were on board and are, as of yet, still unaccounted for, and initial reports indicated that our Leadership, Spangles, was also present.

Spangles’ handler/owner Tumbler M. Reyes issued a statement following last week’s Locksmith newsletter which we now quote in full:

Hello! Spangles here, via “Speaker of the Dog,” Tumbler M. Reyes! To quote the famed author and humorist Bark Twain, “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” I’m alive and well, safely squirreled away in my luxurious Leadership HQ. I was not on the boat in question, and as point of fact, I have never been on any boat! It reminds me of bathtime!

While I am deeply saddened by the sinking of the Disco Volante, and my heart goes out to the families of those who seem to have been lost at sea, as well as the spilled Fresca, I am as certain in my heart that the Guardians of the Orb who perpetrated this act of terror will be brought to justice as I am that thunder is scary.

In summary:

• It’ll take a lot more than a sinking boat to send your Leadership “to a farm upstate!”
• The tragic loss of Lock life is truly heartbreaking.
• I bark at doorbells.

And so it was. Or so we thought.

It wasn’t long before a now-deleted photo, posted to the Grand Lock-only social media site Locker Room from Reyes’ account began to circulate:



The Office of Leadership has remained silent concerning this post, but it seems pretty clear to this reporter that Spangles was on board the Disco Volante last Sunday. Whether he went down with the ship or not, no one can say.

I decided to dig further. My son is a whiz with computers, and he could tell you what it is exactly he did, but he was clicking too fast for me. But after his whirlwind of links, we ended up on what he called a “finsta” account which is a super secret social media account for our Speaker of the Dog, locked in private mode. The only things we were able to see were posts that were mistakenly not “tagged as private” which included a post that referenced some club called the “Shadow Padlocks,” a review of The Shape of Water that was rather unfavorable and thus wrong, and most distressingly, a reference to Spangles being detained on the Guardian of the Orb’s volcano island. Our Leadership with the ORBS.

This information, of course, was immediately shared with my Lodge’s High Key who refused to comment. Tumbler M. Reyes also declined to comment on this story, though a representative from the Leadership’s legal team asked us to “please stop” because “that really isn’t the Speaker’s Locker Room account” so “it’d be great if you’d please stop now.”

Said account was deleted almost immediately.

Your reporter has been left with several questions that require answers immediately. What is this Shadow Padlock thing? Are there multiple Spangles-es? Has he beencaptured or is he safe in his lush, gold-plated office? Did the dog say “Bark Twain” as a pun or is there a doggie humorist by that name?

Watch this space, readers. We won’t stop asking the big questions unless formally asked to do so!

From Volume 872 Issue 12 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!