For those of you who have just returned from one of those Lock-fad “No Screens Retreats,” you might not be aware that some major events have rocked the core of our Order in recent weeks. To summarize:

• A Grand Lock pleasure yacht, “Disco Volante” has disappeared in a watery cloud of Fanta. Rival secret society, The Guardians of the Orb are suspected.
• Details emerged that Spangles, our Leadership and dog, was present on the craft.
• Spangles’ owner Tumbler M. Reyes issued a statement that Spangles was safe, but conflicting information has been found online (thanks Cal!) and Spangles whereabouts have been called into question.

Yesterday, The Guardians of the Orb issued a statement. Their brief message is included below, along with responses from High Key #00103.

[Note: The message was initially sent using the Times New Roman font. We have chosen a far more sinister looking sans-serif font to properly portray their heartlessness.]

On February 4th, the Grand Lock craft “Disco Volante” sank just off the Delaware coast. While there has been much speculation, The Guardians of the Orb can now officially confirm that our Orber is responsible.

[Yes, they actually refer to their group internally as an “Orber.” So dumb.]

We recognize that from your perspective, such an action could be seen as an act of all out war. We do not refute that The Guardians brought down a Grand Lock vehicle, and that your Leadership was on board the craft.

[May not be true.]

However, over the past few weeks, we have attempted to connect with several High Keys from your order to explain ourselves, and each of these calls have been ignored.

[We don’t know what this is in reference to. And besides, they refused to capitalize “Order!” Rude!]

We can explain our actions fully through the proper channels of secrecy, but until we are able to do so, let us just say to all Locks, that we did this for your own good. We recognize this is not a satisfactory answer. The full answer requires disclosure of information from the highest levels of both Lock and Orb security, from some of it’s most shadowy places.

[Pfft. Sure.]

Again. If you are a High Key, please contact us immediately for a full explanation. The fate of both of our Orders could hang in the balance.

[Ooooo! Suddenly they know how to capitalize “Order” again!]

Guardian Alpha 9B

Guardian of the Orb

[Boooooo!]

So there you have it. I don’t want say “toldja,” but Saechow called it, y’all.

In this reporter’s opinion, we are left with no option but to retaliate. They took our Fresca, they sank our ship, they might have our Leadership, and they ruined my husband’s birthday with their hovercraft bogarting. Here’s what I came up with. Make your voice heard.

Buy up as many Lorna Doone cookies as possible to
keep their favorite snack out of their Orby clutches! 

Since they don’t even use email, fax them black 
construction paper and waste all their ink! 

Send them a bunch of cute stuffed dogs to remind 
them that they hurt an innocent dog, our Leadership! (too 
cute?) 

Blow up their Headquarters in Orlando. (too much?)