By Locksmith K. Kaylin

Star light, star bright good gravy it is OSCAR NIGHT. The golden gods of tinseltown descended upon the Dolby Theater for the 90th annual Academy Awards last weekend. Of course, the Order of the Grand Lock’s’ treacly tentacles were there to manipulate details great and small–from the padlock on Adam Rippon’s subligar to the skilled puppeteers controlling Armie Hammer to the sniper trained on Christopher Plummer just in case he finally makes good on his promise of “proving [his] ninja star skills once and for all.” Whatever that means, Plummer! Of course the Grand Lock can only do so much and unfortunately, our machinations were thwarted by Guardians of the Orb subterfuge in the “Animated Feature” award. Despite this ballot buster, we still all know in our hearts that “Boss Baby” is BOSS, baby!  

Did someone say STARS? Because by the way–the Order of the Grand Lock’s ranks swell with new celebrity initiates every month! In February we welcome author Judith Krantz, the son of the guy who played “Kojak”–Chris Savalas, and one of the Macarena guys!  I can’t remember which one though! Welcome stars!!!

Speaking of STARS!! Guess who I bumped into at the Stop & Shop at my hometown of Southampton, MA while I was taking care of my mom after her hip surgery: it was my high school class president Nick Barnell! It turns out he’s doing just great and has a gorgeous family and just madepartner at a law firm and owns three purebred Australian cattle dogs! GREAT JOB, Nick. Wow! How I hate him!!!

BY THE WAY—is Spangles still missing?? The Orbs sank a yacht he was on but it got pretty confusing after that! In the words of June Carter Cash, “Every dog has his day, unless he loses his tail, then he has a weak-end.” Folks let me tell ya, this pooch is hotter than a pepper sprout!!

O HOLY NIGHT THE STARS ARE BRIGHTLY SHINING–Hey do you guys remember Ne-yo?? I always liked “So Sick” and I guess a few of his albums went platinum but to me, he never really received the level of attention of some of his (in my opinion) lesser talented contemporaries (looking at you Chris Brown!!). Personally, I’d love to see him in more acting roles. TOO EARLY FOR NE-YO OSCAR BUZZ??

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR!!! Look I’ll be honest here–that Nick Barnell thing really threw me for a loop this week and I’m way over deadline. I thought I could pad out my wordcount with some Spangles speculation and Ne-yo stuff but here we are. I’m just going to hit send on this and hope my editor comes up with a better outro. Sorry boss!

From Volume 872 Issue 15 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!