By Leadership (as interpreted by Locksmith M. Reyes, Spangles’ “Speaker of the Dog”)

Good afternoon, Locks. We are approaching the one year anniversary of the ouster of the preceding Leadership which led to the campaign that (eventually) elected a little dog named Spangles (that’s me!) to the head of our beloved Order. Now, just as with that previous administration, a small, yet vocal subsection of our group has called into question my Leadership, so if you’ll be so kind, I will speak briefly to this most miniscule of minorities.

Who woulda thought this job was gonna be so ruff?!

I am not dead. Sometimes I play dead, but I am not dead.

I’m not going to lie to you, I love riding boats. I love being on the water. (Just don’t tell me it’s bath time, amirite?!) So when a photo surfaced of me on a boat that just so happened to sink that very weekend, that’s no surprise to me! I love being on boats! It’s like sticking your head out of a car, except it’s your whole body!

But if I were dead, how would I be dictating this message to you through the Speaker of the Dog? How would I have been at the ribbon cutting ceremony for that new Fanta dispenser at the Whataburger in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma? How would I have chewed up the Speaker of the Dog’s brand new pair of leather gloves that were very, very expensive and made in England if I were dead? I couldn’t have!

So, look. A few nuts out there want to spread their conspiracy theories? I say let ‘em. I’ll happily disprove them all and still wag my tail hoping they’ll scratch behind my ears.

Ques. Why was there the photo of Spangles on the boat posted to a private Twitter account of M. Reyes?
Ans. No one said it was a recent photo! I wear a pirate hat and take to the sea frequently. I don’t, on the other hand, post photos online that often.

Ques. If Spangles is okay, why haven’t we seen him since February?
Ans. Like any other dog, sometimes I like to take a vacation. But as Leadership, when I go, a lot of Locks like to follow to attempt to grab some “face time” with the head of their Order. So when I’m out of office, I prefer to keep it quiet. I’ve been a regular snowbirddog, migrating to the many lovely spots of sunny Florida for most of Feb., enjoying my privacy, and chasing the actual snowbirds.

Ques. Why are Spangles’ black spots in slightly different areas of his body?
Ans. They aren’t! You’re crazy.

Okay? Let’s all agree that these nasty rumors are just that. I’m your Leadership, I’m alive, and if I see you, I’m gonna sniff your butt. Let’s all move away from these unsubstantiated rumors and let sleeping dogs lie.

Thank you.

And to be clear, I meant “lie” in it’s intransitive verb form. To stay at rest. That was not a confession of guilt. 

Thank you.

From Volume 872 Issue 16 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!