The Order of the Grand Lock newsroom received the following email early Monday morning from the email account of former Grand Lock “Leadership.” Email header analysis suggests that the message is credible–intended for a “Secret Old Leadership Listserve” and CC’d “springles@thegrandlock.com”–likely intended for our leader Spangles (instead of Josh Springles, our newsroom mail clerk).

The entire message is printed in full below. Certain information directly contradicts recent statements made by the Speaker of the Dog and reveal some troubling and confusing information. What is the “Shadow Padlock?” What are “blood shirts?”

Stay tuned to this weekly newsletter as this story develops.

Dear Secret OLD LEADERSHIP listserv recipients,

Writing this from deep undercover. Orbs have accepted me as their own. My Orb name is “Mark.” Sending this from Orb dune buggy rally while dune bugging. Awful pastime. The cocktails, though, are strong and inexpensive. “Agave” syrup excellent sugar replacement in limeade.

“Fortune cookie” reveals juicy tidbit: A friend asks only for your time, not your money. Analyzing data in lab. Standby. I am under the impression that this cookie knows more than it is saying.

Datamined Guardians of the Orb dark web spydata: Orbs sank Disco Volante to save Springles from SHADOW PADLOCK. The devil tree’s roots grow deep. Ship’s secret cargo includes “brownie points,” “crystal ship,” counterfeit dog food (it’s squirrel in squirrel-based gravy, which sounds more expensive to me, but what do I know?), “blood shirts.” Destabilizing influence of contraband not to be underestimated.

Springles held on ORB DEADLY VOLCANO ISLAND (lay terms: “Florida Keys”). Secret ORB paramilitary karate force on hand to guard Springles. Splinter cell of double agent karate commando loyalists ready to act on my word. Biding time for right omen. Springles if you’re reading this be strong. Survive.

Tarot querent significator reveals AWFUL OUTCOME, MANY SWORDS. ALSO–A DOUGHNUT PUNCHCARD THAT GOT INTO THE DECK SOMEHOW. WORST POSSIBLE PORTENT.

Did you guys hear that the dad from Frasier died? So messed up. Awful.

Dune bugging: WOE
“Cheeseburger in paradise” what is this: WOE
The haunting sound of a loon at dusk: WEAL
“Branches”: WEAL
College-rule: WEAL
Wide-rule: ALSO WEAL

From Volume 872 Issue 17 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!