By Barron G. Saechow

HAVANA, CUBA: The elected leader of the Order of the Grand Lock, Spangles was rescued late Saturday night from imprisonment in a Guardians of the Orb Florida Key RV court and secret prison compound. In a daring heist masterminded by previous Grand Lock leadership, “Old Leadership,” Spangles was blasted out of his reinforced Winnebago prison cell and escorted via a flotilla of “sea-doos” to the secret castle underneath El Morro castle in Havana, Cuba. Spangles appeared in good health (and sporting some smart swim goggles), though his retinue of Grand Lock deep agents suffered numerous cuts and contusions from lawn darts and blows from weighted footbags–favored weapons of the enemy Orbs.

Since February, “Speaker of the Dog” M. Reyes has maintained that Spangles was safe and sound in the Grand Lock Palatial Obelisk of Leadership–even making an appearance at the annual Locks vs Kiwanis fast pitch softball scrimmage. In hindsight, it would seem that this was a different dog and that perhaps there should be some kind of “driver’s license” for dogs to help tell all these animals apart. Just a thought.

“Old Leadership” has issued a statement accusing Speaker M. Reyes of involvement with a “definitely evil splinter faction” within the Grand Lock called the SHADOW PADLOCK. He made further claims that the Guardians of the Orb “aren’t that bad” and were merely protecting a “brave and noble hound” from the SHADOW PADLOCK’s “crystalline-narcotic fueled catamaran of villainy, vice, and jazz music.” Many High Keys have accused Old Leadership of heresy and treason while others have hailed him a hero and called for Old Leadership to take the mantle of Speaker of the Dog. M. Reyes has not yet responded to these accusations at the time of publication. It should be noted that aides close to the Speaker of the Dog have gone on record to say he “seems crafty.” The High Key council has called for further investigation into these claims.

As a personal aside–I joined the Order of the Grand Lock to have a place to drink beers with my pals, play darts, have potlucks, and maybe do some charity stuff every now and then. When it turned out I had enrolled in a secret order that controls the world’s governments and economies from the shadows–well, that turned out to be a neat bonus. But now–evil splinter factions, sea-doos, “crystal narcotics”–well, it just seems like a lot. We’ll keep reporting this story as it develops, despite this journalist’s personal yearning for simpler times.

From Volume 872 Issue 19 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!