NO! Secrets are Cool and Good.

By Key P. Fotopoulis-Clark, Civil Servant

Three weeks ago, we Grand Locks had no idea there might be another, deeper, more secret organization hidden in our secret organization. We didn’t know a lot of things–and are we any better now? Well–are we? Because let me tell you something–I’m not! My grandkids still aren’t calling me and my shingles burn like the devil. Ideas are inherently valueless!

Recall the allegory of Plato’s cave. The cave people were extremely happyliving inside a nice warm cave, watching a very fun shadow puppet show. They were having a great time. They definitely didn’t need the idea of “three dimensional objects” to ruin their fun afternoon.

I recall a simpler time–a better time–before the age of the “smart” phone. I once argued for 45 minutes with an Applebee’s bartender whether it was Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton that starred in the hit film Twister. Five years later, that bartender is now my husband. It’s fun to wonder about things! I don’t need to know everything nor would I want to. Knowing something sure as heck won’t change my mind about anything!

Also–remember the finale of Lost? I didn’t care for that! Now Caroline in the City–that’s a show with a real ending. Did Caroline marry Randy or Richard? It’s fun to think about!

Padlock/shmadlock! Sometimes a good secret is just what the doctor ordered. I think this newsletter should report on real news–maybe some positive stories about local heroes like nurses or firefighters!

YES! Expose the Shadow Padlocks!

By Key L. Norterland, Professor of Revelations at GLU
Do you remember the first time you learned The Gesture?

If it was anything like my first time, once you’d cracked it, you were practically vibrating with excitement. You were part of a club. You knew something that was unknown to the majority of the population. You knew a secret.

Now, maybe you became a Grand Lock because you love potatoes. But as for me, I joined because I love being on the inside. And now we’re hearing rumbles that within our secret organization, there’s a deeper and more secret group? Well then, I want to know all about that group. The Shadow Padlocks, they’re calling themselves. Gimmie.

Since joining The Order, I’ve learned the truth behind the moon landing, what really happened to JFK, and the secret “Ingredient X” in Coca-Cola (they’ve cut it with baby powder since 1929). I really, really like knowing all this stuff, and if the Shadow Padlocks know more stuff than I do, I want our media to report the heck out of them.

Either that, or Shadow Padlocks: send me an application. I’m very interested.