The State of the Grand Lock Union

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Grand Lock dignitaries, high keys, and members of the press gathered Sunday night at the Secret Castle beneath the skating rink in Van Nuys for the annual State of the Grand Lock union. This was the first address and public appearance of the new Grand Lock leadership, composed of a democratically elected leader/dog Spangles, his speaker–”Old Leadership” (who now asks to be called, simply, “Mark”), and the “Speaker for the Speaker”, Barron H. Lindsay.  The latter, a 22-year old Delaware College student, was introduced only two weeks ago to help decipher the often cryptic musings of the eccentric former leader, who in turn, speaks for our Leader Dog.

The State of the Grand Lock union is notable for its influence in the secret global economy. The Great Depression of 1929 is largely attributed to an infamous speech in which Grand Lock Leadership laid down and fell asleep briefly before choking on a dislodged denture. The gravity of this occasion cannot be understated.

Below is a transcript of the address. For ease of reading, “Mark’s” dialogue (that still sounds weird to me) is printed in red while Lindsey’s is in blue.

The three branches of Leadership rise from the ground on a hidden elevator platform–each clad in traditional black robes. The audience stands silently as Spangles trots towards the podium, then back to the elevator platform, then back to the podium, then kind of hides behind Mark’s legs for a while. Mark stares knowingly at Spangles, then nods in quiet understanding before speaking.
“Silent speaks the light of ANDROMEDA. As Jupiter crosses Procyon’s path, lo it portends a becalming. When, Andromeda? Wherefor, Andromeda? Nietzsche weeps in anticipation! The mouth doesn’t speak but the ceromantic candle screams in drippings. It screams an ocean’s calm. It screams an infant’s slumber! Red! Red!

“An omen plagues us–the opossums are back in the side yard. We know because the light is on a motion sensor and it wakes me! The beas’s red extispicy secrets remained sealed in its gullet. An omen, a portent. Weal! Weal! Have it your way AT BURGER KING!”
“Okay…wow. That’s a lot to unpack. Uh first–hi, I’m Heather. Thanks for having me. Spangles is a really great dog. Uh… [long pause].

So first, I think what Spangles is trying to say…through Mark–lots of “red” stuff. I know the color red is a classic literary symbol of…passion? Like the red pickle jar in “Ethan Frome.” So first of all I think…you know just really passionate. Really just a lot of passionate feelings out there–just in general.

Also, I know Mark has been watching the cable sci-fi show “Andromeda” a lot? At least he had a stack of DVDs in his office. And I know that one kind of quirky part of that show is there’s like this character who is like an anthropomorphized version of the main spaceship. So…I think really Spangles is saying like “good job–the ship is steering itself. Don’t do anything too crazy. Steady as she goes.”
Spangles begins rolling on his back at Mark’s feet.
“Pilot, provider, builder, trainer, teacher, lover, mate, no half-true hate! So, each day like a bird, perfect thyself first! Steel is the purgatory of desire. And the man without fault? He’s dead! Impossible is nothing. Power style!”
“That…is from a Dr. Bronner’s bottle I think. I think though…pretty straight forward. You know–do your best. We’re all just doing our best up here. Please don’t do anything that might weaken a global economy or interpret what I’m saying in a way that might..hurt anything or cause a problem. Just–keep up all the good work.”
With a start, Spangles begins barking at something unseen in the middle distance. He continues barking through the duration of the speech.
“Through blood and ONLY blood is the heart cleansed! Fire and flames cleanse the iron! Sin and SACRIFICE cleanse the soul! Gut the opossum and read the wisdom of that gut! Split the belly and read the wisdom of the gash! A pickle! A pox! A plague upon thy house! Sin begs redemption, justice for all! Ride the lightning! Master of puppets! THE SHADOW PADLOCK must be eradicated!”
“Oh! Oh no. Um…I think what Mark, um–Spangles is trying to say is you know. Definitely don’t start some kind of violent witch hunt for a secret order within our secret order or you know–kill anybody. Don’t do any of that. Just…buy and sell lots of stock but not too much–just a normal amount. Take out a mortgage if that’s what you want to do. Enjoy the weekend, have a barbeque. Wow Spangles is really barking, isn’t he. I think…that’s probably good. You’ve been great! Thank you; good night!”
END OF SPEECH.

From Volume 872 Issue 24 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!

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