By Baron P.D. Chewstrop

Believe it or not, it has been nearly 37 months since the last edition of my column. I’ve heard many claims over the years that the theatre has died, but when it takes nearly three years for me to accumulate enough performances to fill my column inches, perhaps it is time for us to start sniffing at Lady Theatre’s apartment door and make sure she’s still shuffling ‘round in there!

No matter! Today I do my part to keep theatre alive by alerting you to three shows that are going on right now should you wish to get off your duffs and patronize the arts rather than eating your weight in potato chips whilst watching the latest mind-numbing reality programming from the creators of The Great American Mate-Off.

I’m Half-Lock, Half-Orb, And All F*%#ed Up: A One Person Show
The Key S. Pehlter Black Box Theater – Until 16 June

Don’t let the edgy title fool you: Locksmith G.G. Jameson’s one person show about growing up in a family that was split between two secret organizations is fun for the whole family. Even though Jameson’s family isn’t any fun! Told through a series of changing aprons, Jameson embodies each of their colorful parents as each of them embews their child with the morals and traditions of their particular secret organization. Through it all, Jameson learns that even if there are differences in what you bring to a potluck, or what hand signal you use to greet your fellow members, what keeps people together through it all is love. And thankfully, there doesn’t seem to have been any shortage of that in the Jameson family.

Be sure to get there early! Seats fill up fast, which was strange, since there were so many empty ones after intermission!

100 Years: The Five for Fighting Musical
The Shadow President Spaight Coliseum – Until 3 Aug

You may call me a theater purist, you may even call me a theater snob, and I won’t bat an eye. But after I say what I’m about to say, you may just rethink your insult: I (horror of horrors!) enjoyed a jukebox musical.
Now, in all fairness, it was a jukebox musical comprised of the hits of Five for Fighting, which as you well know, has been putting out music exclusively for The Order of the Grand Lock since the mid-2000s, so how could I not enjoy such a spectacle? From the opening strains of “Superman (It’s Not Easy)” to the more recent hit “Superman Pt. 4,” I found myself tapping my toes in spite of my prejudices. Get your tickets today, while you still have 100 years to live!

George Dubstep-bulya Bush
The Sherbet Theater – Extended Run

It’s easy to do the math on this one. Alexander Hamilton + Rap = Tonys and all the money L-M. Miranda could dream of. Therefore, it stands to reason that taking another political figure, this time a puppet President, and mixing his life with another contemporary genre of music should yield the same results. Unfortunately, this calculation doesn’t seem to add up when one selects a far less popular genre of music (dubstep) and a far less popular political figure whom, logic would dictate, was selected purely because his name contained a syllable that matched the genre of music (George W. Bush).

I’m going to say it clearly right now: this musical was not good. The music was horrendous and literally hurt my ears. The lyrics were similarly bad and were often mechanically altered to hit an octave lower than any human could sing, for seemingly no reason. Perhaps you want to spend a night out listening to songs like “Can’t Get Fooled Again,” “Duck Those Shoes, Mr. President” and the rousing “Mission Accomplished” while robots squeal and whatever it is that makes that “wub wub” noise “wub wubs” away. Clearly everyone else in attendance at The Sherbet Theater not only wanted exactly that, they felt that the evening’s proceedings were worth a standing ovation. There’s a chance that I am now too old for the musical theater, but the more likely answer is that everyone else is too young.

That’s it from me for this installment! I hope to speak to all of you again soon sometime in the next three years, but until then: Theatre isn’t dead! It’s just barely alive!™

From Volume 872 Issue 25 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!