By Locksmith K. Kaylin
 

The big wheel keeps on turning and the HOLLYWOOD NEWS CYCLE keeps on churning!!–let’s roll on to the headlines with another HOLLYWOOD SCOOP.

A rose by any other name. The shadow war between the Order of the Grand Lock and rival lodge the Guardians of Orb wages across many battlefields but perhaps none as public as season 14 of the the Bachelorette. Prime-time competitive marriage shows have produced some of the Grand Lock’s most successful new recruits and clearly the secret is out as this week the Orbs adroitly broke the arm and forced the dismissal of our own Key C. Harbor. Hang in there, boys and bring back Becca for the good guys! (I’ve got $50 that says Key C. Underwood makes it to hometowns!)

Rose or no rose, let’s all agree that the real loser of the Bachelorette was the dusty corpse of Richard Marx that they dragged out to serenade Becca and Chris on their one-on-one. Richard, baby you can do better! Grand Lock Touring Lodge Bard pays real nice. You’ve got our number–I’ll be right here waiting!!!

Buddy, that ain’t a vuvuzela! The sound of hooliganism in my living room at 5am can only mean that the World Cup is back (and my roommate Craig invited “the lads” over to yell at Paraguay or something). All that’s just fine but Grand Locks know that the real pinnacle of action is in theInter-Lodge Pinochle National Championship. Will Barrons H. Ramirez and K. Stemperfold finally reclaim their title from the Kiwanis? UNEASY LIES THE HEAD THAT WEARS THE CROWN!!

Speaking of crowns: my mom said she ran into my high school’s prom king Nick Barnell at Stop and Shop and he mentioned he just picked up a new pontoon boat for his beautiful perfect family. Newsflash, Nick! Nobody cares.

CHEERS to Grand Lock Key (and nephew of famed Fresca Soda Heiress Esmeralda Fresca), P. Desmond Fresca on publishing his first book “Dentistry Isn’t Real.” This hot new exposée (which is definitely not pro-soda propaganda) has already shot to the top of the Grand Lock Lending Library’s “Most Wanted” list. Pour one out for the homies!!! It’s your world, PDF!!

JEERS to pontoon boats. THEY CAN’T EVEN GO THAT FAST.

Swish swish, bish! Don’t act like you couldn’t hear it coming: that’s the sound of CORDUROY SUMMER in full effect. The flowing, wavy textile has finally crossed over from haute couture to oui, monsieur! Expect to see corduroy everywhere from hats to spats and everything in between all summer long. Famed designer Barron M. Cœur will have her newest corduroy ceremonial robe designs available in her Summer catalog just in time for Horse Day. Don’t sit on this one–unless you somehow already have your official Grand Lock corduroy sitting pillow!!!

From Volume 872 Issue 30 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!