Esmeralda Fresca Weds
Former Leadership candidate, heiress to the Fresca soda empire, and noted firebrand Esmeralda Fresca wed this weekend in a surprise ceremony atop the Burj Al Arab hotel in Dubai. Of course, it wouldn’t be an Esmeralda Fresca event without controversy and the 63-years young effervescent heiress stunned guests by revealing the mystery groom to be Francisco Jarrito, head of the Mexican brand “Jarritos” soda (and notable Guardian of the Orb). The bride and groom looked a vision in black, sporting matching “Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation” oppression-chic jacket suits and caps. Regarding rumors of possible defection from the Order of the Grand Lock, Fresca only offered the following platitude before base jumping into an awaiting jet barge at the conclusion of her vows: “the language of pleasure wears no badge.” Curiously, neither the Locks nor the Orbs wear badges (and “language” of any kind can’t wear a badge anyways). No soda was served at the reception.

Shadow President P. Mindon Criticized in Open Letter from LA Lodge
Key Kazantzakis, head of Lodge 991 in downtown Los Angeles, posted a scathing open letter criticizing Grand Lock U.S. Shadow President P. Mindon. Mindon, the true president and puppet master of the United States has faced increasing criticism due to the current US “public government”, a Punch and Judy show of escalating buffoonery that every day seems to break new ground in volatility and vapidity. Listed among Kazantzakis’ many points of contention are “these tariffs are bad,” “actually, everything is bad,” and “I can’t even read Twitter anymore because it’s just depressing garbage instead of funny jokes.” Defenders of Mindon are quick to point out that the Las Vegas Golden Knights’ inaugural season performance in the NHL was totally Mindon’s idea. Mindon as of yet has not commented at the time of publication.

Leadership Gets Haircut
Spangles, the elected “Leadership” of the Order of the Grand Lock sported a fresh new summer cut at the Lodge 60 Annual Schnitzel bake in Berlin this Sunday. Those in  attendance described the new look as “shorter” and “cute.” Additionally, Spangles sported a smart red bandana around his neck. Spangles is in Germany to attend an inter-lodge summit to discuss European fraternal lodge nuclear disarmament.

From Volume 872 Issue 32 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!