July might be hot (especially in North America–the hemisphere in which the Order of the Grand Lock’s powers are consolidated) but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a cool time on a budget vacation. These five vacation spots are perfect for the Grand Lock family with an eye on their pocket books.
 

Plankards Barrel Factory, Billings MT

One of the first great North American cash cows for the Order of the Grand Lock was the barrel industry. In the early 18th century, the Grand Lock enjoyed a nearly complete monopoly on barrel factories in the USA, Canada, and the Yucatan Peninsula. Hindsight is 20/20 and the signs are clear now that that great usurper, the tin can, came quietly to steal King Barrel’s throne. The canned food fad of the 1910s led to something of a Grand Lock great depression; many proud coopers “got the can” so to speak, and the once mighty barrel empire collapsed in the course of a decade. Of course, one great factory endured and Plankards Barrel Factory in Billings Montana stands as a beautiful monument to the barrel (and a swell place to take the kids). Visitors may enjoy touring the historic barrel factory, throwing barrels in the river, or the popular “sit in a barrel in an above ground pool” ride. Be sure to buy a souvenir barrel of your favorite soup or chowder for the car ride home. Fun Fact: Plankard’s still produces every barrel used in the Grand Lock voting process. If it ain’t a Plankard, friend–it ain’t a barrel! 

Lodge 299, Twin Falls ID

Many of our beautiful and historic lodge halls are destinations in their own right but there’s no other place quite like Lodge 299–the only clothing optional lodge and resort in the US. Tucked along the Snake River just outside Twin Falls, Idaho, Lodge 299 boasts a multi-structure compound where freedom reigns and modesty waits in the car. Play air hockey, share a snack at the “U-pick” strawberry patch, and enjoy the newly repaired jacuzzi–unfettered, unfrocked, and warm under the hot Idaho sun. Yes it all smells like a church basement. Call today to book your reservations.

The Grand Canyon

Everyone knows the Grand Canyon–the largest pit in the western hemisphere. But did you know the Grand Lock’s history in this commodious canyon? The first recorded person to ever die in the grand canyon was one Barron J. Hesterfeld, a member of John Wesley Powell’s expedition in 1869 and a very important member of the Order of the Grand Lock. Hesterfeld reportedly tried to stand upright on his burro as it made its descent before losing his balance and quickly toppling over into the abyss. Adventurous Grand Locks still attempt to “surf the burro” in his memory. Note: this newsletter does not endorse standing upright on burros, horses, or any other quadrupeds especially as they walk along canyons.

Lockport, NY

It may look like a sleepy little town a stone’s throw away from Niagara Falls but don’t let the facade fool you. The history books say that Lockport, New York got its name from the locks of the nearby Erie Canal. Our lodge knows better–Lockport NY was named after the Order of the Grand Lock and only active member are permitted to reside therein (lest they meet the clubs of our very active Preemptive Consequence Committee!). Only in Lockport can you walk the streets in your secret ceremonial robes and know that you’re among friends. Share a romantic plate of spaghetti at DeFlippo’s. Roll a few barrels into the canal. Shop at Target (technically in neighboring Williamsville). There’s a million things to do in Lockport–the little town with the heart of gold (and a frightening private police force!).

From Volume 872 Issue 34 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!