As every Grand Lock in good standing already knows, a major source of income for our illustrious group is through the sale and resale of that ubiquitous, yet seldom actually enjoyed, soda named Fresca. This, however, was not The Order’s first attempt at producing money outside of membership dues. Today we take a look back at one of the Locks’ very first investments:

In the early 1800s, the barrel market was a wonderful cashcow for Locks, with Plankard’s Barrel Factory in Billings, Montana providing an unending stream of revenue for The Order. But suddenly, from within the ranks of The Order, the telegraph emerged as a bold new invention from Key S. Morse that revolutionized communication on an all new scale. Gone was the Pony Express as the foremost means to send a message to another person miles away. Thanks to Morse’s electrification of the telegraph, suddenly there was no need for horses of any breed to send messages.

But despite the fact that a member of the Order had devised this exciting new system, there really wasn’t any benefit in this invention to the Locks, beyond bragging rights and the ability to coordinate directives with Shadow Presidents that much quicker. An enterprising Key, D. Branston made a proposition to the High Keys and Leadership: promote Morse to the level of Key and slap his name on a streamlined communication code and rank in the money from royalties on the system.

A little backstory on early telegraph messages: before the Order of the Grand Lock’s proprietary Morse Code was introduced, the telegraph’s system of communication was incredibly complicated. Let’s say you wanted to send a message in 1838 from Baltimore to Washington D.C. concerning what you’d like to eat when you arrived in the Capitol in two days. The message “POTATOES FRIDAY PLEASE” would start with sixteen taps on the lever to signify “P,” the sixteenth letter of the alphabet and a sustained tap to indicate the next letter. In all, this three word message would take 251 taps on the telegraph and six minutes of work, assuming the telegraph attendant got it right the first time and didn’t have to resend the message due to typos.

Branston’s “Morse Code” proposal was immediately approved by all the Top Locks and a formal offer was made to S. Morse to “franchise” this code in his name. Leadership initiated the meeting by commissioning a painting from Morse. A starstruck Morse was then more than happy to accept the promotion and sign his name to the dot and dash code, and cut in his beloved Order on the profits.

(Side note: his portrait of Leadership was immediately hidden from view to further the mystery of the Leadership’s likeness. It is believed that this portrait hangs in the office/quarters of Spangles, our current Leadership, but this remains unconfirmed. Contemporary reports state that the painting made bold uses of color, but this will also remain unconfirmed as Spangles is a dog and is, as a result, colorblind.)

Before long, Morse Code was everywhere and with every dot and dash, The Order took a (reasonable) cut of the licensing fee. As a result, until the invention of the telephone, The Order of the Grand Lock’s coffers were more than filled, but by that point, they had many lucrative irons in multiple money-producing fires. Though the Morse Code residuals have mostly dried up, with the exception of Boy Scout manuals and commercials S.O.S. brand scouring pads, they were an integral cornerstone in building The Order into the worldwide organization it is today.

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From Volume 872 Issue 34 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!