By Tumbler B. Chesney

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.]

Immortality is at hand! Though my family and friends and schoolyard chums have collectively met the reaper at the black gate, I defy death’s icy grip. I defy death’s chains of decrepitude. It bears repeating: oh death, I defy thee! Order of the Grand Lock, this path to immortality is paved with vitamins and minerals; trust and rejoice for this path…is correct!

Strength is built through adversity! Take for example, my big toes. In 1972, I tired of constantly stubbing my toe on a new glass coffee table. Rather than applying salve–rather than seeking a mother’s teet to comfort a milk-swole babe swaddled in naivete’s silks, I doubled down on the pain; I took to purposefully stubbing my toes dozens of times a day. Now after years of conditioning, my big toes are calcified barnacles, chapped chuds of hardened bloodchunk, impervious to hot blacktop or sockless Philadelphia nights. Muscles, starfish, ice-skating–all are alike. Only through the path of steel is the blade forged!

And yet look around at human food (how I hate it!). I recently observing a strapping young local boy eat what he called a “Cliff’s Bar” at the local YMCA. How unusual, I mused, that this hard-bodied palomino should fill his belly with a little brown pillow.  Bread, pudding, bananas, rice, sauce, porridge, cottage cheese, pancakes, cake–popular foods are universally comfortable. One may as well eat a woolen afghan with all the other softness that enters the human mouth.

How have we lost our way? By taking the easy route, we took the minerals out of minerals and somehow forgot where these essential supplements originate–rocks. Well I’m taking minerals back. For the past two weeks, I’ve been eating a handful of rocks every day and I feel great! There’s a spring in my step, a song in my throat, and a pebble wedged behind my left molar.

Rocks are full of minerals essential to human life–calcium, sodium, iron, zinc, magnesium, the list goes on! Store-bought supplements are cut with unnecessary sugars and fats. These derived “nutrition” pills cost a fortune and contain only a fraction of the life-extending elixers housed in a good honest handful of rocks.

This practice has precedence in nature as well–alligators, crocodiles, ostriches, sea lions, and the common chicken all munch down rocks as part of their diet and these are some of the most long lived and angriest creatures in all of creation.

f there’s one downside to a rock-based diet, it’s that it is a bit hard on the ol’ choppers. I’ve written before about the importance of honoring thy skeleton via its ambassador to the outside world, the teeth. Rocks can bruise, chip, and break human teeth if chewed. Luckily, rocks can be broken down into smaller rocks without losing any of the health benefits. Additionally, I’ve also taken to hammering rocks on the floor of my apartment and quickly inhaling the rock-dust vapor that’s released. This curative miasma of powdered mineral produces a tingly, light headed sensation that eases away the burden of years.

Friends, the future is calling to all of us. Walk forth, be in good health, and may a stone always fill your belly!

From Volume 872 Issue 43 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!