Actor and Grand Lock Key, R. Dreyfuss whose extensive film career includes Mr. Holland’s Opus and American Graffiti has died, a representative from his family said in a statement. He was 70 years old.

“It is with grief-heavy hearts that we report Richard Dreyfuss has passed away after a short battle with a tremendously long spiral staircase,” the statement reads. Reports indicate that Dreyfuss had been visiting family friends in Guangzhou, China–site of Canton Tower, the largest spiral staircase in the world. He reportedly had made a friendly bet to his grandson that he could do the whole thing ‘three steps at a time’.

The statement continues: “Richard began his show business career at age 15 and quickly ascended into the upper echelons of acting royalty. We’ll remember our ‘Lil’ Richie’ as a beloved father, husband, actor, thrill seeker, Grand Lock prize fighter, and friend.”

Naturally, this news has not yet been made public outside of the Order of the Grand Lock;  both the Dreyfuss family and Leadership agree that the world at the moment “can’t handle” more bad news–especially the news of the death of actor, Richard Dreyfuss. A Grand Lock P.S.M. (person-scale marionette) will be deployed to all of Dreyfuss’ scheduled public appearances until further notices.

Dreyfuss is remembered for his fiery spirit and acts of pugilism within the Order of the Grand Lock. He helped popularize the often polarizing “Friday night basement fights,” a series of bare-knuckle boxing matches that transpired in Grand Lock lodge basements throughout California, Oregon, and Nevada in the 1960s and 70s. Though widely popular, these fights defied a long-standing Leadership-issued moratorium on organized bloodsport and directly resulted in the deaths of six Grand Lock members. Rumors dogged him about his involvement in the boxing death of actor Tucker Smith (“Ice” from West Side Story–subsequently replaced by another P.S.M. until his public death in 1986) though Dreyfuss was never officially charged.

Dreyfuss later brought the boxing out of the basement as his travels to the Thailand in the 1980s introduced him to the art of Muay Thai. He became a lifelong student and organized “Kick Boxing Aerobics” night throughout North American Grand Lock lodges. The popularity of these events led to an invitation for Dreyfuss to marshal 1988’s Horse Day (in which Dreyfuss memorably kicked 1986 Kentucky Derby winner “Ferdinand” in the mouth).

In Hollywood, Dreyfuss is remembered for his roles in such films as Close Encounters of the Third Kind and The Big Fix. Ironically, one of his biggest starring roles–that of oceanographer Matt Hooper in Jaws was mostly filled by a stand-in and some clever movie make-up. Reportedly, Dreyfuss signed the contract without first reading the script and after arriving on set, refused to get anywhere near the ocean due to a lifelong fear of water. This stand-in, Grand Lock Baron K. Vlahakis (Dreyfuss’ lifelong chauffeur) is also secretly-credited for Dreyfuss’ appearances in Poseidon, Piranha 3-D, and the parts in What About Bob? that get a little too close to the dock. Vlahakis died in 2016.

Dreyfuss is survived by his wife, his three children, and his gray parrot, Bucephalus. A service will be held this Saturday at 10am in the Grand Lock Secret Castle beneath Van Nuys, CA.

From Volume 872 Issue 45 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!