Whether you are a lowly Locksmith or the highest HIgh Key, one’s rank in The Order is an inescapable element of our day-to-day. We are taught very early on what the penalties are for interrupting a Barron. Every Pick knows that when they are short on change for the parking meter that the nearest Tumbler will be obliged to help. But for one glorious day, all this is forgotten. I speak, of course, of The Great Alphabetizing!

The Great Alphabetizing is exactly what it sounds like. Every member of every Lodge reports at dawn and sorted alphabetically by last name, rather than rank. Generally speaking, these are enjoyable, drama-free affairs, save one fist fight that broke out in South Bend at this September’s to-do that we will attempt to forget about.

Once the Lodges of Minnesota were sorted into their state-wide lines, we took this opportunity to interview a variety of Members on a wide-ranging selection of topics. They represent a strata of ranks from our Order and we believe that you will find their answers most intriguing, alphabetically.

What would you say is the biggest concern facing The Order in the coming years?

Lorenix, I. (Locksmith): Yeah, well fer me, da ting that I’m a little bit scared of is our Leadership bein’ so, what’s the word? Weird. Like, when I joined two years ago, we had a guy in charge who spoke in riddles, and I’m like, okay… but it worked, yeah? And then we had a crazy election, and now we’ve got a dog in charge. And now I guess the riddle guy is back to speak for the dog? And I’m like: whatevah!

Lorephin, P. (Key): Orbs. The Guardians of the Orb are plotting and scheming and I do not like it at all. I believe that this talk of “Shadow Padlocks” [Lorephin uses the biggest air quotes possible] is a distraction cooked up by these Master Lie Chefs to turn the Locks against one another so that the Orbs can pull shenanigans. I do not like it, sir.

What is your favorite song written by TUNIVAC, the song-writing computer?

Lorro, A. (Barron): The theme song to Cheers!

Loshnon, T. (Tumbler): Oh, actually could I answer the question you asked those two guys ahead of me about concerns in The Order? [interviewer does not respond] It’s just that it had a lot more, I guess, depth to it and I have a lot of thoughts on that. [interviewer stares straight ahead, unblinking] Like, if you want I could just do both and tell you real quick that it’s “Timber” by Pitbull, but then I’d just say this about- wait! Don’t go!

Loss M. (Pick): “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something!

You can say one thing to Shadow President Mindon. What do you say to him and what tone of voice do you use?

Losshman, A. (Locksmith): Oh, wow. That would be amazing. Jeez. I guess I would be like… [Losshman puts hand on shoulder, furrows brow and makes a “tisk” motion with finger] “Hey, Mister…” Well, no. He’d tune me out immediately if I came in hot. What if I was like, [stretches arms out] “Get in here, you old so and so! What about-” Oh, no. He’s the guy that you’re not allowed to touch. Man. This is a lot of pressure. [pause] I guess I’d ask him where his ideas come from.

Freeport, R. (Key): I think I might be- Is this the “F” line? I heard her say her last name and I think I’m in the wrong- Sir? Are you okay? [interviewer does a great job not speaking] Just, is this the line for the people with F last names? [my editor said “don’t guide anybody’s answer. You always push them into a sound byte.”] Can somebody- Okay, thank you. I’ve gotta go. [someone else in line talked to him. Not me.]

From Volume 872 Issue 46 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!