Good-bye sweet prince! A beautiful angel of a man has left earth to return to heaven. YES, OF COURSE I’M TALKING ABOUT RICHARD DREYFUSS. Big Mr. D. (as he liked to be called) tragically died this month in a spiral staircase accident. I was privileged enough to attend two Dreyfuss kickboxing camps and the lessons taught there definitely helped mold the man I am today. Hold on to your loved ones this week; play your favorite Richard Dreyfuss albums. If it could happen to Big Mr. D. it could happen to anyone. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Speaking of depressing national tragedies, can you believe Tinashe got voted off ‘Dancing with the Stars?’ She and her partner Brandon scored a 27 out of 30 last week but somehow that’s not good enough for the voting American public. But somehow Bobby Bones is still safe?? Who even is Bobby Bones? Hello, America??? 

There’s a vile darkness that has infected this country. A shadow has fallen over us all. If Richard Dreyfuss can die on a staircase and Tinashe can leave DotS, is there any hope for any of us? A dog is in charge of our secret organization. For Pete’s sake, a dog!

Anyway, let’s talk about baseball. It’s World Series time, baby. Few athletes are as superstitious as baseball players and the Order of the Grand Lock is once again battling those rascals the Guardians of the Orb in a superstition shadow war beneath Fenway Park. Lodge sponsored hedge-wizards and warlocks have once again been deployed to spray homeopathic black-cat infused tincture into the Gatorade, hide enormous magnets under the field, bury scraps of Confederate war criminal hats under the dugout, y’know—stuff like that. I don’t remember which team the Grand Lock is sponsoring but maybe it doesn’t matter. It’s America’s game!!!

Bestselling novel The President is Missing by former US president Bill Clinton and James Patterson continues its reign at number one on the Order of the Grand Lock bestsellers list. Of course, we all know it was truly written by the wildly popular former US shadow president, High Key A. Aguillera (though let’s be honest, it was actually actually written by her ghostwriter Erle Stanley Gardner). As for myself, I’ll just wait for the movie adaptation thank you very much!