Friends and allies of the Grand Lock–

We are pleased to announce that Grand Lock leadership have completed negotiations on Monday morning to acquire the rival fraternal organization/secret society the Venerable Brotherhood of the All-Seeing Loon for the price of $1.2 billion Canadian dollars. Effective immediately, all “Loonie” lodge halls, memberships, and intellectual property are owned solely by the Order of the Grand Lock. This acquisition adds 89 lodge halls to the Grand Lock’s numbers and considerably bolsters our power in the Maritime provinces.

While it’s true that Loon membership has waned significantly in the last 30 years, and that the average age of current Loon members is 68.5 years old, The Brotherhood once boasted considerable political and naval power. The eye of the All-Seeing Loon indeed holds a cache of secrets, schemes and general confidentialities (of which several of our favorites will be printed in these pages).

But first, a note to our new Grand Locks–the former Brotherhood of the All-Seeing Loon: Welcome! We’re overjoyed that our superiority has manifested itself as a string of circumstances eventually leading to your complete takeover. Though you may treasure your memories and friendships forged through your Loon Brotherhood, we ask you to please forget them as quickly as possible. Nostalgia is the consolation gift of history’s losers and you are now members of the world’s pre-emptive secret society. Look ever forward (lest you risk a visit from the Committee of Pre-emptive Consequences)! As a reminder, the first Thursday of the month is “Bird Night”; please bring your pet bird and a dish to pass.

Now! Here’s some embarrassing facts about the Venerable Brotherhood of the All-Seeing Loon for us to haze them with:

• The secret handshake of the All-Seeing Loon is just a normal handshake but you shake left/right instead of up/down–then followed by a hug. It’s weird. Thankfully, there is no need for anyone to ever do this ever again as the Grand Lock has a much superior gesture.
• While something of a public secret, we can confirm that the All-Seeing Loon have infiltrated the Canadian mint and is responsible for brazenly imprinting their namesake bird on the $1 Canadian coin. Plotting has immediately begun to stamp an imposing steel lock on Canadian coinage rather than a silly, trifling duck. It’s quite ironic, considering the secret nature of Canada’s true seat of power.
• The All-Seeing Loon is totally responsible for sinking the Titanic. Nearly every bad decision surrounding this fated ocean liner can be traced back to notes from a 1908 “Boat Planning Committee” meeting from a Winnipeg Loonie lodge. The lodge secretary captured notes from this free-from “chalkboarding sessions” including “Let’s skimp on lifeboats,” “cheap steel good”, “we don’t need to know what rivets are”, and “iceburgers [sic] no big deal, go v. fast.” By all accounts, the All-Seeing Loon is both extremely embarrassed by this tragedy yet also feel strangely justified by the success of the Oscar-winning film adaptation.
• Halifax is a debauched pleasure-den. Despite its snoozy, wool-clad facade, the true nature of Halifax is a members-only den of decadent delights and promiscuity. Informally known as “Screw City”, it comprises a secret labyrinthine complex beneath downtown Halifax somewhere between a brothel, a swingers club, and an adults-only Chuck E. Cheese (complete with animatronics). Don’t get any ideas–it’s disgusting. We’re shutting down Screw City immediately.
• The All-Seeing Loon owns the largest private fleet of nuclear submarines in the northern hemisphere. Many of these vessels are staffed with longterm crew with limited communication capabilities with HQ. Until all submarines are individually contacted and informed of the change of command–avoid pan–Atlantic sea travel. These submarines are likely confused, armed with nuclear torpedos, and looking forward to a trip to Halifax (if you catch my drift).

This newsletter will continue to dig deep into the annals of All-Seeing Loon history and spread its secrets across these pages. After all, what’s the point of taking over a rival lodge if you can’t dig up their greatest humiliations and gloat (also though–really, welcome new members to the Grand Lock! You’ll love it here!).

From Volume 872 Issue 49 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!