‘Allo, ‘allo, my dear Locks! Whether you’re a first time bird employer (we never use the word “owner” for who can truly own such a glorious creature?) or you’re adding to an already overstuffed bird menagerie, it is my pleasure to give you The Latest Word on the World of Birds.

In!

Ask any child what the most interesting thing about a bird is and you’ll get one universal answer: flight. So, logically, if one is looking to be a bird trendsetter, how does one stand out in a crowd of feathered shoulder features? By owning a flightless bird, of course!

Darling, imagine yourself waltzing into a room, covered in a cadre of kiwis. How those necks will turn! Or, speaking of necks, imagine accessorizing whatever fabulous outfit you’re wearing with a matching studded emu collar (attached to an emu!). It’s a big world of birds out there, be they budgies, buzzards and barn owls, but only a true avant garde bird employer disregards the key evolutionary advantage of all birds!

Foul!

As often happens in the world of feathered fashion festooning, the pendulum has swung yet again. If you were someone who selected your birds for their colorful plumage, I am sorry to say that the brighter the bird, the less fashionable your choice in the current climate. This season is all about blacks, whites, and neutral tones. This leaves the skilled bird employer the opportunity to deck one’s own outfit in vibrant shades, allowing the human to serve as the accessory to the bird for a change!

Hit the showers (temporarily), parrots!

(Needless to say, if one is attempting to marry both flightless and monochromatic options, clearly penguin is this season’s epitome of style!)

Future Watch!

I’m calling it now! I predict that the next trend in bird employing is going to be all about going green! Believe me, when it comes to alternative energies, there’s no resource that has remained as untapped as the use of birds for conveyance! Imagine it, please: rather than spewing noxious black smoke into the air from your Ford Falcon, a team of actual falcons with miniature harnesses powering your street-legal sleigh! The Locks at my local lodge think I’m crazy, but they also told me that Friends sounded like a dumb idea for a TV show, and who won that debate? You’ve read it here first! Invest in harness producers today!

For the Bird-Averse!

Whether it’s due to allergies, a low-ceilinged domicile, or a compulsive refusal to share one’s seeds, we recognize that owning birds is not an option that everyone can enjoy. That does not mean you can’t enjoy the pleasures of the feathers in different ways. Scatter your front walk with birdseed and stay glued to your peephole until all of it his been consumed! (Give names to your favorite repeat customers!) Purchase a feather duster and place it in an airtight terrarium and through the power of imagination, pretend you have an actual bird! Own a cat and constantly scold it for “eating” all of your “pet birds” that you left it alone with!

Also In!

As you know, these trends are often cyclical, and I am pleased to inform you that silent birds are the way to go! In this modern age, your smartphone has the ability to play millions of songs with the touch of a button! No longer do we need to be slaves to the sounds of songbirds! Find a quiet new companion who is willing to give you some auditory “space” and leave the singing to the (human) professionals!

That’s all for now, Locks, but keep watching the skies!