By Key F. Huber, Secretary of Transportation

Every babe in swaddling rags knows the tale, by way of Ancient Greece, of Bellerophon, who having slain the chimera, grew overly proud and attempted to fly to Olympus on his pegasus only to have his steed stung by the gods’ gadfly. Thus, Bellerophon dropped back to the earth to perish. Every child knows this. The tower of babel stretching up towards the gods, the flight of Icarus reaching heavenward–we know that the price of hubris is paid in blood. And yet the despicable pride of man goes unchecked and society remains silent. Complacent. Well I say “no.” “Runners” are completely out of control. The privilege of going fast lies in the realm of the “gods” of the highway–cars. When humankind casts aside their rightful place as slow, terrestrial mammals, and act like cars (by going fast) they endanger themselves and the entire world at large. It must stop.
A recent study conducted by the Grand Lock’s Department of Transportation suggests that nearly 18 million adults engage in “running” on a regular basis–this includes both casual “jogs” and more formal “races” where consenting adults, sometimes upwards of several thousand at a time, meet at an organized location to all run in the same direction. When one person has a dangerous thought–he’s a outlier, a curiosity. When a group shares that dangerous thought–it’s a mob.
So what’s the big deal? Firstly, take a good look around the world. Notice anything? The striped lines in the paved roads, the big signs everywhere, drive-thru restaurants, banks, pharmacies, liquor stores. Outside is the realm of the car. Sure, sometimes people need to walk. That’s a given. That’s not an issue and it’s well regulated. We have crosswalks, we have pedestrian ramps. When man decides to run, however, he bucks the system. He says “it’s not good enough to be slow like a person; I’d rather be fast like a car.” It’s not right and it’s dangerous. Animal versus car, car wins. Man versus car, car wins. Car versus car, the bigger car wins. Every time–car wins.

It’s also deeply confusing on a base psychological level. Long before the age of cars, man needed to escape from danger (predators, etc.) on foot. Man developed running as a mechanism of survival. When we see someone running now, subconsciously, we’re thinking “where’s the danger? Do I need to escape?” Seeing someone running is an aggressive assault on the psyche. If you think there’s no harm in having the human brain continuously, repeatedly suffer micro-doses of psychic assault, go ahead and ask yourself what the HELL is wrong with you? Go ahead. I’ll wait.

But it’s not too late. The best thing we can do for the ignorant is to educate. Spread the word. Tell your neighbors about the hidden dangers of running. Personally, when I’m out for a drive in my automobile and I see someone going for a run, I slow down and I shout at them. I ask them: “What’s your hurry? Are you fleeing from a predator or enemy? Then why are you running? Why don’t you drive a car?” I’ll also go to area high school track meets to protest with my family. We shout at the student athletes to slow down. It might be futile but I can’t just do nothing and watch this world jog a 5k “fun run” down the primrose path to hell.

Finally, a note about boat sales: they’ve slowed significantly since September. We’re keeping a close eye on this trend but these numbers seem consistent throughout the entire northern hemisphere. I still believe it’s too early to declare that the boat “bubble” has finally burst but if it comes to it, we may need to investigate Grand Lock emergency funding to bail out the boating industry. Watch this newsletter for updates.

From Volume 873 Issue 7 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!