By Tumbler B. Chesney (40253)

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] 

Immortality is at hand; old age is a medical affliction on the verge of eradication and the golden ticket to our glorious tomorrow is within arms reach. This balm is not in Gilead as the gospels proclaim but rather in the natural foods aisle of your local grocer’s store. Vitamins and minerals shall deliver the Order of the Grand Lock from evil and ascend our bodies into divinity. This week, we’ll look at some simple solutions to abjure the scourge of old age through gallbladder wellness.

Spend some time in your local barber surgeon’s guild or perhaps a “Zoomcare” and you may overhear some aspersions against that most honorable thoraxic pouch: the gallbladder. There are some who would list it among wisdom teeth, arrector pili, or the vitreous hooded tunic as human vestige–unneeded organs awaiting their fate in the outgoing mail box of evolution. Needless to say, these “learned scholars” are fools of the highest magnitude–the gallbladder is crucial to wellness and longevity for its production of yellow bile. This humour (even more so than testosterone or naturally occurring choleric miasma) is one of the human body’s greatest chemical provider of anger.

Observe the natural world; it’s not hard to conclude that the angriest animals are often the most long-lived–the shrieking maelstrom of the gray parrot, the ancient seething of the galapagos tortoise. The dry, warm anger pumped from a healthy gallbladder (via yellow bile) stimulates the “FIGHT AND ALSO FLIGHT” response in mammals, obliterating the quiet creep of age and decrepitude.

So how best to overclock the gallbladder? First and foremost, I suggest vitamin B. You’ll notice a great variety of “B” vitamins–B5, B12, etc. I am 95% sure that these are all the same thing. I munch down a cocktail of B vitamin pills in a shotglass each morning and I tell you friends, I’ve never been angrier/healthier.

Another fine natural alternative is sauerkraut juice. You can easily make your own but I prefer the store-bought kind.

Finally, vitamin K can heal an ailing gallbladder and kickstart your animal anger. I recommend the naturally occurring vitamin K found in homemade dry whey. For posterity, I am republishing my dry whey recipe below:

1. Heat a gallon of milk. Since a “dry heat” is best, I like to bring a gallon of 2% into the dry sauna at my local YMCA for 2-3 hours to “let it sweat”. Though controversial, I’ve also had success with the “mama bird” method but watch out for spills!
2. Let the milk cool overnight on a countertop. Whisk until frothy.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until yogurt forms.
4. Place yogurt culture into a clean pillow case or nut bag if available. NOTE: SACK MUST BE CLEAN AND FREE OF LINT.
5. Suspend yogurt bag from a hook and collect the drippings in a pan. I typically have 3 or 4 drip bags going at once in my shower. These drippings are wet whey. Eat or discard remaining yogurt chunk.
6. Finally, dry out the whey drippings–either in a food dehydrator or the hot, unlocked supply closet by the boiler at the YMCA. Take daily and be well!